


A JoSeb Advent Calendar

by RedBlueRoses



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:02:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 40,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27823435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedBlueRoses/pseuds/RedBlueRoses
Summary: An AU version of the events that happened before The Evil Within, based on A JoSeb Carol by KrimsonMistress (I have her permission for this), and without the events that happened in The Evil Within |D . Unnecessary drama ensues, it’s basically misery porn about Joseph and the story isn’t really going anywhere XD .
Relationships: Sebastian Castellanos/Joseph Oda
Comments: 42
Kudos: 16





	1. Door 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A JoSeb Carol](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12878466) by [KrimsonMistress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrimsonMistress/pseuds/KrimsonMistress). 



> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.

It was late at night, when Joseph looked up from his computer to Sebastian’s office; the older detective had the blinds of his office windows, which separated him from the bigger office that Joseph shared with other detectives, down, but had forgotten the one on the door.

The usual setting for his boozing at work -

Fortunately, he and Joseph were the only ones at the department right now, so at least no one could see Sebastian slumped over his desk, his head lying on one of his upper arms, a whiskey bottle in his hand. After their case from today, it had been obvious to Joseph that he would do the paper work for it.

Joseph turned his computer off and stood up. He grabbed his coat from his chair – a grey elegant one, suiting his vest style with the leather gloves –, and put it on while walking to the office to enter it.

Stepping closer to Sebastian, he shook him gently by the shoulder. “Hey, Seb, wake up, come on, I’ll bring you home.”

Sebastian grumbled something, rubbed his eyes and scratched his head. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost 11 pm, I just finished our report.”

“My head aches -” Sebastian leaned back in his chair, scrunching up his face. “I’m not even sure if I can get up -”

His trench coat was over the back of his chair, and Sebastian clumsily managed to put it on, but seemed to be out of breath after this task.

The younger detective bowed down and slung Sebastian’s arm over his shoulder, also supporting his back.

They exited the police building; it was early December, but it had begun to snow since the mid of November.

Sebastian was more shuffling than walking, and Joseph had difficulties holding up their balance to get them to his car, with the snow falling thickly on the ground, but since it wasn’t the first time this happened – and worse things than this had happened. And Joseph had to sneeze twice, which wasn’t helping at all.

Joseph heaved Sebastian into the passenger front seat, even secured him. After cleaning all the car’s windows from the snow stuck on it, he went to the driver’s seat and drove off the precinct’s parking lot, the windshield wiper turned on.

The streets were nearly empty. Joseph glimpsed every now and then at Sebastian, who was gazing half-lidded out of the side window that slowly turned white again.

A red traffic light stopped them after some silent minutes of driving. Joseph cleared his throat: “Seb, I’m – I’m sorry about the case today - “

“You should be,” Sebastian slurred with an angry undertone.

“Yeah, I should have checked it better when the captain asked who would take it,” Joseph sighed. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Over the past year, Joseph basically had taken care of organizing their cases; Sebastian hadn’t been able, or in the mood for, to do so, but still investigated them, perhaps even more frantically since before the fire -

“This is all your fault,” the older man shook his head, “the nightmares I will have from this - !”

The case had been about two children, found burned in their family’s home. The parents had been out for work, and had left them with a babysitter, who also had died in the fire. The whole situation reminded Sebastian of Lily -

In the end, it was easy to solve. It was a classic insurance scheme, and this time, the father – respectively stepfather – had recently taken out a life policy on the children.

Sebastian couldn’t wipe the images of the two small bodies from his mind – a baby boy of three years, and his big sister of five years.

He also couldn’t wipe out the image of his little daughter, burned and charred in the morgue of Beacon Hospital, not even a year ago -

“DAMN IT! First Myra, now this!” He bowed forward, throwing his head into his hands. “And fucking Christmas season has started, and everyone’s so damn happy, and these fucking Christmas lights and music everywhere, and the cold and the snow - !”

Christmas would be very different this year, and Sebastian didn’t really know what to do about it. It would be without child and without wife, without tree and presents, but surely with lots of booze. Thanksgiving had already been difficult. And he didn’t have any relatives to spend the holidays with, or none he especially cared for.

How am I supposed to spend the holidays without my little girl - ?!

Probably at home with some cheap whiskey, as much as possible, or in a dusty bar.

Or maybe Sebastian should give up entirely -

Joseph wasn’t fazed much by it, used to it by now. “I like the snow, and the lights, and that everyone’s so cheerful.”

Sebastian glared up at him; Joseph immediately regretted what he had said, it was certainly not what the other man wanted to hear right now.

Why did I say such a strange thing?!

Maybe because it had been always the same the last months: Sebastian would get drunk over everything and nothing, would be angry at Joseph, yell at Joseph, call him names, lash out at Joseph, so that Joseph would have to apologize for everything and nothing -

Especially if someone happened to talk about Myra and Lily -

So did it really matter if Joseph cared about Sebastian’s feelings or not for a second? Of course he was aware what Sebastian had been talking about – the first Christmas after his daughter died in the house they had lived in due to a fire, and after Myra had divorced him just two weeks ago; Joseph’s remark had slipped out before he had noticed.

It wouldn’t be easy for Joseph either – he remembered all the Christmas seasons with Lily; it had been the happiest time during the year for him, seeing his goddaughter marveling at all the little wonders of the holidays. Of course, she would get all the attention, as most kids would get during Christmas, and Joseph would buy her some expensive toy…

Not to mention that none of the two men would dress up as Santa Claus for her at some time in December; he and Sebastian would change turns every year, so that Lily wouldn’t have any suspicions, since one of them could theoretically be at work...

Joseph stared in front of him, through the wind shield to the street, waiting for Sebastian to scream at him – again. He was ready to apologize; he gripped the steering wheel, his gloves tightening on his hands.

Surprisingly, nothing came; Sebastian only crossed his arms, and returned to looking out of the window.

The red light turned green, and Joseph drove on, to Sebastian’s apartment without any more words.

This would become a terrible Christmas this year.

\---

Some time later, they arrived. Joseph opened the door to the flat; he had keys to Sebastian’s place, just like the other man had keys to Joseph’s, just in case.

The older detective had become exhausted from the drink and the fight, and was now neither asleep or awake, leaning with his full body weight entirely on Joseph – and Sebastian was rather heavy.

It wasn’t an easy task, but Joseph maneuvered Sebastian through the untidiness towards his bedroom. The apartment was still the one he and Myra had moved in after they had lost their house; his now ex-wife had fled to her sister in summer because of Sebastian’s drinking.

In the bedroom, Joseph tried to place Sebastian as carefully as possible on the unmade bed. Sebastian half-consciously took his coat off, tossed his shoes off, too, and threw himself into the pillows; he laid on his side, facing Joseph who stood next to the bed, and folded his arms, grumbling something under his furrowed brows.

Joseph sighed quietly, picking up the duvet to cover Sebastian. He stumbled over the shoes, and ended up sitting next to the sleeping man, who remained unfazed by the bouncing of the mattress Joseph had caused.

He wanted to stand up immediately, but something kept Joseph from doing so, despite the fact that it was uncomfortable for him sitting on this bed; it was still the double-bed Sebastian and Myra had bought upon moving in.

How often had Joseph thought or dreamed about being in the same bed with Sebastian - ?

The very man was snoring slightly, and Joseph just watched him in his sleep for a minute or so; although he still had all the trouble and terrible disputes with him in his mind, Joseph was aching for Sebastian, for so many years now.

There had always been the fear that Sebastian might find out, Joseph had always been very careful about that. What would happen if Sebastian would find out? Perhaps he wasn’t a homophobe, but who knew how he would react realizing how his work partner was in love with him -

It was clear he couldn’t have Sebastian – and then there was all the abuse and mistreatment he had endured since Lily’s death.

But Joseph couldn’t just leave him, right? Sebastian would just drown in booze every single day. At least he apologized regularly for his behavior, and stayed sober for some time, both knowing that the next storm was already brooding in Sebastian -

A few strands of his long-grown hair were in Sebastian’s face; Joseph couldn’t help himself, but stretched his arm out to sweep the strands off with his gloved fingers.

Just when he had finished to do so, Sebastian shut his eyes open. Joseph froze in place, startled and a bit scared, unsure what to do. Sebastian closed and opened his eyes slowly twice, and then turned around, showing his back to the younger man.

Letting out a breather, Joseph quickly drew the duvet over Sebastian’s shoulder, hoping that he hadn’t noticed anything, and hurried up to get out of the bedroom, and out of the flat.

\---

Back in his own apartment, Joseph hung his coat on the hook in the hall, and went to his kitchen, to the cabinet; he should go to sleep, but he was wide awake after what he had done with Sebastian earlier on.

He had a whiskey bottle in the cabinet, a very expensive one, imported from Japan. Usually, Joseph would only buy one per year or so because of its high price, but this year, he had gotten himself another one, drinking far too often from it.

As far as he knew, no one was aware that Joseph would drink this kind of stuff. Yes, there was the occasional beer in the bar in his neighborhood, or at social events like Lily’s birthday, or all sorts of festivities of the police department.

Or Christmas parties there -

Now Joseph stood in front of the opened cabinet, eyeing the bottle; the past few months, he had used this whiskey as a crutch with Sebastian, and therefore had given up to keep the other man away from boozing. How was he supposed to stop Sebastian from drinking when he himself would drink when alone - ?

After closing the cabinet, Joseph flopped down on a chair at the small kitchen table, exhausted and empty; his nose was running a little, so he cleaned it with a tissue from his pocket.

He remembered Myra’s words from their last chat a few days ago, when they had visited Lily’s grave together, and had announced to him that Sebastian had finally agreed to the divorce; Joseph wondered if the other man knew that he and Myra were still talking to each other regularly, since they had been good friends for years.

“It honors you that you’re such a good friend to Sebastian,” she had said to him, fatigue in her eyes, “but I’m sure you’re ruining yourself over it. I couldn’t take it anymore after some months, and just left.”

Joseph had never told Myra about his arguments with Sebastian; she herself had had enough trouble with her now ex-husband, so he didn’t want to burden her with it, but she probably could draw her own conclusions about what Joseph was going through from his silence.

Of course, Joseph wondered if Myra ever suspected anything about his feelings for her husband, or now ex-husband. It would explain so many things to her.

He had to do something; being in love with Sebastian and clinging on to him had been difficult enough when everything was ‘alright’, watching the other man being married and having a family. But now, Sebastian’s behavior gradually deteriorated Joseph, even if he could hold himself together most of the time, inside and outside.

Although – if Sebastian was drunk enough, maybe Joseph could take advantage of that - ? It wasn’t as if Joseph had never thought about it -

Joseph shook himself out of this stupid idea, scoffing at himself; he would never be able to do that.

There was just one possible way Joseph could get out of this situation. He had played with the thought of a transfer to another precinct or unit for some time now, leaving all the chaos behind him, starting all over, he just couldn’t figure out the right moment.

The Christmas season would definitely be too hard for Sebastian on his own, and Joseph didn’t want to risk anything, just in case the other detective would do something stupid over the holidays.

But what should Joseph himself do during Christmas? Lying about visiting his parents in Canada couldn’t work this time. Oh, well, he would have to find something; Sebastian’s flat hadn’t been looking very good, so maybe he could brush it up during Christmas. Joseph had been inclined to clean it up this evening, after seeing it bringing Sebastian home, but since he had literally fled from there -

Another question was also what would wait for Joseph in the future, without seeing Sebastian every day, the one person he cared the most about, perhaps in his entire life -

There was no other person in his life, and there would likely never be one, when Joseph considered his past attempts at relationships. Maybe he should get a cat, as he often had contemplated about, to become a crazy old cat man -


	2. Door 2

The next morning, Sebastian was woken up by the alarm clock on his cell phone.

“Oooh - !”

But there was a problem: the phone was still in the pocket of his coat, that was lying on the ground.

Cursing and holding his forehead, he sat up in his bed; the coat was at the bed’s foot, so Sebastian stretched down, moaning in the process. He drew the coat up to his lap, and laboriously fished out his phone to turn the alarm off.

Sebastian huffed out in relief.

He looked around in his bedroom, and remembered how Joseph had brought him here last night.

It was 6.30 AM, Sebastian’s normal time to get up for the day and work, though he wasn’t really in the mood for it.

That didn’t just have to do with the guilty conscience from his drinking last night; Sebastian had still the images of his dreams from the past hours in front of his mental sight. He had feared to have nightmares about his daughter after the case yesterday – there was one in particular that Sebastian was scared of, and that’s why he had emptied an extra bottle of whiskey – , but strangely, he apparently hadn’t had any night terrors about Lily roasting in the house fire.

Instead of that, Sebastian had a dream about Joseph. Or hadn’t that been a dream?

The younger man had been sitting next to him on the edge of the mattress, in the dark winter coat he had, while Sebastian looked up on him from the perspective of lying besides him.

Then Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment, in the dream as he believed, and saw Joseph again, but this time – well, without him having clothes on -

After closing and opening his eyes for another time – again in his dream? - Joseph’s face came closer to his own, seemingly wanting to kiss Sebastian -

And that was when the dream had ended. At least Sebastian hoped so, letting himself fall back into the bed.

It hadn’t been the first dream of this sort Sebastian had had about Joseph. He knew that the younger detective was in love with him, for years now, and Joseph didn’t knew that Sebastian knew. Showing him a too bright smile ever so often, giving him a too worried look – being so worried about Sebastian had been strong indicators for that. Not to mention that Joseph still stayed with him despite their troubles.

Hell, Joseph had stayed longer with him than his wife -

The weird thing about this was that Sebastian was in love with Joseph, too. It somehow had happened during all the years working together, but of course, because he had a family, Sebastian would have never cheated on Myra, and not with a man on top of that.

These dreams about Joseph had had come up during his marriage, but rather seldom. But they had started to appear more often after Lily had died, and were frequently there since Myra had moved out.

And sometimes, Sebastian had acted on these dreams, directing one of his hands towards his crotch -

Again, Joseph wasn’t aware of that – Sebastian hadn’t told him anything about his own feelings. What good would it have done back then, before Lily had died. Even now, considering that he was single again, why wasn’t he with Joseph - ? There was nothing that could hinder him -

Except for the grief for his dead daughter.

Except for his boozing.

Except for the fact that Myra had left him only months ago, and it just didn’t feel right to jump into the next relationship.

Except that Sebastian was still not sure if he wanted to be with a man.

Except that it wasn’t good for Joseph to be in love with Sebastian, as Sebastian himself was sure.

Now, he wasn’t sure if – something besides their fighting had happened between them yesterday. Sebastian gulped, anxious about it, and still hesitated to get out of bed.

Then he remembered what Joseph had said to him in the car: ‘I like the snow, and the lights, and that everyone’s so cheerful.’

Joseph hardly talked about himself, his likes or dislikes, so it had baffled Sebastian to hear something so almost private about his partner. In the past, Sebastian had been the one who had encouraged conversation between them, but he had gotten quiet since Lily’s death and Myra’s leaving. And without him initiating a chat, Joseph seemed to have no interest in talking at all, and even less about himself.

Or maybe Joseph didn’t talk since lots of their conversations would end up in them fighting -

But it hadn’t just been what Joseph had said; it was also how he had said it – something in Joseph’s voice had made Sebastian’s anger about the younger detective vanish instantly -

He was thinking about Lily. She also had liked the season.

Sebastian scrunched up his face, trying to keep any tears away; he took a few breaths to calm down, and tried to focus on Joseph.

At least Sebastian had managed to stay silent in the car instead of yelling at him – realizing that he shouldn’t do so, and that Joseph didn’t deserve that.

Despite how often Sebastian told himself that, he didn’t manage to stick to it very often.

With a low moan, Sebastian got up; he still had a lot to do before he could go to work.

Looking around in his flat, at least Joseph hadn’t cleaned it up, as he had done often enough the past year -

\---

About an hour later, Sebastian arrived at the department; Joseph was already there, as always.

The young man inspected Sebastian skeptically from his desk: the other man had taken a shower, had shaved, and had found some clean clothes to look neat in the vest and tie; he was imitating Joseph’s style, probably to hide his untidiness from the drinking as much as possible.

Joseph turned back to his case file; everything was fine with Sebastian, for the time being, since he would only be concerned if Sebastian would still look as if in disarray after a booze like this.

Everything was back to normal.

“Morning,” Sebastian greeted.

“Morning,” Joseph replied.

Sebastian stood indecisively next to Joseph’s desk, his hands in the back pockets of his trousers. As often after an incident like the one from last night, there was the notion in Sebastian to apologize for his behavior. But he had given up to do so months ago, knowing that he would do the same in a few days or so – despite Sebastian trying to fight it.

And there was still this dream lingering in his mind -

“Anything we have to work on?” he asked. It was a stupid question, because they always had something to do.

“Yes,” Joseph answered, taking the hint, “we have two more cases on our pile.”

\---

Late in the afternoon that day, Joseph and Sebastian had managed to solve one of their two new cases, the rest of the pile still waiting for them.

It hadn’t snowed during the day, but now that it became dark, the snowflakes began falling.

Sebastian was driving them in their police car. “How about a break?” He nodded at a coffee and donuts shop.

“Sure, but,” Joseph hesitated, “do we have to be such cliché cops with the donuts?”

“Aw, come on, I hadn’t had donuts in years!” Sebastian parked close to the café. “And I really need a break.”

They got out of the car, snow whitening their heads and shoulders during their short walk to the coffee shop. After sitting down at a table, a waitress took their order and brought them two cups of coffee and their donuts; she mischievously smiled at Sebastian and Joseph, spotting the police badge on Joseph’s vest under his open coat.

“I told you so,” Joseph huffed, sniffing a bit from the cold.

The older detective just snorted, stirring some sugar into his coffee while leaning on the table with one of his lower arms.

For a while, they remained silent, enjoying their coffees and each other’s company in the midst of all their troubles, professionally and personally.

Joseph took some bites from the still warm donut; it was actually really good, and reminded him of better times.

“I remember when we did this with Myra,” he suddenly noted.

And with Lily.

There he went again, uttering things Sebastian probably didn’t want to be reminded of.

To stay clear, Joseph just stared into his coffee, as if he could hide in there.

Sebastian gazed at him above his own coffee cup, holding it in mid-air due to being again rather surprised by Joseph. Yes, he had cringed hearing Myra’s name, but he was also fascinated by the other man saying something like this, just like yesterday –

Myra had been a detective at the KCPD, too, but had gone to the missing persons’ unit after marrying Sebastian – regulations had demanded that one of them had to go to another unit. But she, Joseph and Sebastian often managed to have a coffee break together, despite all the stress.

Sometimes, the three had a day out like this with Lily, too.

In the end, Sebastian didn’t want to be reminded of nicer times. But since Joseph had mentioned them, he had an idea on how to distract them from that topic -

“Jo,” Sebastian looked into his coffee, “do you have a girlfriend?” Though Sebastian thought that Joseph was gay, there was still a chance that Joseph liked women, too.

“Eh,” the addressed one fluttered his eyelids rapidly, “no.”

“Are you dating anyone then? I’m just asking because – you were always hanging out with my family, and now with me.”

Joseph smiled bitterly while taking a sip of his coffee. Well, I’m dating you, it’s just not real. “No, I’m not dating anyone.”

Sebastian frowned. Considering that he knew Joseph was in love with him, that didn’t sound so good to him; he hadn’t wanted for Joseph to always be alone.

So he set his cup on his saucer. “When was the last time you dated?”

Shifting on his seat, Joseph wasn’t sure what to answer. “That was – last year in summer, I guess.”

About half a year before the fire. “Then – how long ago was your last relationship?”

Now Joseph warmed up, but in an uncomfortable way, straightening his back and closing his legs after sitting rather broadly on his chair. “What’s that for a question?!”

“I mean,” Sebastian had noticed the almost menacing undertone in Joseph’s voice, “you never introduced anyone to us.”

Joseph clenched his fists under the table, avoiding Sebastian’s amber eyes. “I – I don’t want to talk about this,” he mumbled.

“Oh,” Sebastian wondered, “okay then.”

They wouldn’t speak for some awkward moments, with Joseph fumbling at his coffee cup, having lost his appetite for donuts completely.

Sebastian hadn’t intended for this situation to get to this low point, though he still asked himself what had happened just now.

He managed to eat up his donut before his cell phone broke the eerie silence between them.

“It’s Juli,” Sebastian informed Joseph after taking his phone out of his trench coat, “she’s asking us to go to a crime scene with her.”


	3. Door 3

Their week at work turned fortunately quiet these days – which was rather uncommon. At least they had enough time to finish some over-due paper work, or do research for some cold cases.

The other day, they had to investigate a crime scene with Juli Kidman again, one of the other detectives. It turned out that the missing and supposedly murdered victim was still alive, and that the man had only faked his death to flee the country due to his tax debts.

They caught him eventually at the airport, and after detaining and processing him at the department, the three officers decided to call it a day early in the evening.

It was already dark, and they hadn’t eaten anything yet, so they went together to the diner called _Seashell Diner_ , which was located in the same street as their office of the KCPD.

The owner of the cozy little place was Mrs. Cauldron, but everyone just called her Mandy; she was a cheerful old Welsh woman who knew everyone from the force practically by name.

“Hard day at work?” she asked when coming to the table. “Need something for salvation?”

Joseph gave her a wry smile. “It wasn’t _that_ hard -”

“But we’ll take the salvation anyway,” Sebastian added quickly.

Mandy laughed. “Of course you do, love! What can I get you?”

“Scrambled eggs with bacon. Lots of bacon,” Sebastian leaned on the table. “And a glass of your amazing bourbon.”

“I’m taking pancakes and orange juice,” Juli said.

“An omelet and a cup of coffee for me,” Joseph concluded.

“Alright, coming in no time,” Mandy smiled again and rushed away to take care of their orders.

The three had occupied a booth at the window, and Juli gazed almost dreamily at the glittering Christmas decorations and the snow flakes falling outside.

“It’s quite early to go home yet,” she sighed. “We could go out -”

“Go out?” Joseph tilted his head, looking at her. “As in go to a bar?”

“That would be an idea,” Juli shrugged, looking at Sebastian, “though we don’t have to drink alcohol, or booze in excess.”

Everyone at the department knew about Sebastian’s ‘little’ problem, and how everyone turned a blind eye on Sebastian’s drinking, since his crime-solving rate was very high.

Sebastian harrumphed. “I hadn’t had a drink the whole day until now, so one more drink won’t hurt anyone.”

In fact, Sebastian hadn’t been drinking much these last days. Usually, he would get through one bottle of bourbon during work, often enough finishing the evening with several beers or another whiskey bottle, not to mention his reserve in his pocket flask. But since the last time Joseph had brought him home drunk, he only would have one or two glasses in his office, and maybe a beer or another bourbon glass at home, and had forgotten to refill his flask. Even his nightmares, which were also a cause for his drinking, didn’t show up every night any more – and seemed to be less fearful.

“I know a nice place to have a drink,” Joseph suddenly suggested.

Both Sebastian and Juli stared at Joseph, with Sebastian being the bewildered one; the young man wasn’t known for going out too often, and he surely had never made any suggestions to Sebastian for doing so.

That probably explained why Joseph wasn’t dating much, too -

“What?” Joseph stared back at his colleagues.

“Well, if you know a nice place, then let’s go there,” Juli smiled, glad someone had had an idea.

\---

Joseph led them to _The Riant Sailor_ , a bar close to his apartment. It was a little bit dusty, but it had a warm atmosphere and was never too full. The young man liked to come here after work sometimes, not always for an alcoholic drink, though he wasn’t a regular. The owner, David, was a nice guy in his fifties and always had an open ear for problems of all kind.

Back in the diner, for a second Sebastian had believed that Joseph might bring them to a gay bar, but had dismissed that thought the second it had appeared; Joseph certainly wouldn’t come out to him and Juli in that manner.

Plus, Sebastian hadn’t expected for his partner to come to this kind of simple and cozy bar.

Since the bar man and Joseph knew each other, David greeted: “You’ve brought friends today?”

“Yep,” Joseph answered while they all sat down at the bar, “that’s Sebastian, and that’s Juli, and they’re colleagues.”

“So you’re police officers, too, eh? Always nice to see fresh faces,” the barkeeper smiled brightly at them, “I’m David. What can I get you?”

Examining the place by turning his head around, Sebastian exclaimed: “Jo, why did you never tell me anything about this place? We could have had a drink here every now and then.”

Joseph shrugged. “I figured you wanted to be with Myra and Lily.” He paused. “And then -”

Then, after Lily’s death, Sebastian was always drunk. “Ah, yes.”

While Sebastian ordered his usual whiskey – and told himself it would be the only glass – , Juli wanted a beer and Joseph, feeling that it was a somewhat special evening, asked for something called ‘moose milk’.

Sebastian had never heard of this beverage, but apparently, it was no problem for David.

“What’s moose milk?” he wondered, looking at Joseph.

“It’s like a milkshake, but with alcohol. It’s very common in Canada and I always drank it when I was younger.”

“Oh,” Sebastian lifted his brows in surprise; another unexpected information about Joseph. “So you were drinking when being under 21?”

“Well, in Canada, you’re allowed to drink when you’re 19.”

“Now that’s handy.”

David served them their drinks. Sebastian took a sip of his whiskey, but was rather curious about Joseph’s milk shake: “Hey, let me try your moose thing.”

Joseph handed the glass to him and Sebastian tried it; it tasted sweet, but also like coffee and butterscotch.

“Not bad, but I think I’ll stick with the bourbon.” Sebastian gave the glass back.

\---

Around 9 PM, the three detectives decided to leave the bar. Juli and Sebastian hadn’t much to drink, although they both were capable to handle more.

Joseph, on the other hand, had had threeÄ_ moose milks in the end, and that had been more than he could actually manage, considering that it had been quite a long time that he had drunk that stuff. He had ended up in the bar’s bath room.

They stood outside the bar, ready to part. Sebastian was supporting Joseph, one of the other man’s arms around his own shoulders.

“Well, that’s not how I thought this evening would end,” Juli said.

“I’m so sorry,” Joseph had to cough, “I just wanted to have a nice evening with you guys, showing you my place here -”

He was almost hanging limply at Sebastian’s side, who could feel that Joseph was trembling. “It’s alright, Jo, everyone has to let loose from time to time, especially you.” He turned to Juli. “Are you sure you can go home on your own? We can first bring him home, and then I accompany you.”

Juli smiled a bit flattered. “Don’t worry about me. I looked it up on my phone, my flat is just twenty minutes away by foot, and I don’t mind a little walk. At least it’s not snowing anymore.” She nodded at Joseph. “You better bring _him_ home as fast as possible.”

“Alright,” Sebastian answered after a moment, “but stay at ways with lots of street lights.”

“Yes, _dad_ ,” Juli rolled her eyes and walked away, waving at Sebastian and Joseph. “Good night!”

“Good night,” Sebastian greeted, too. “Come on, Jo, you have to endure a few more minutes till your apartment.” He began to move.

“I’m sorry,” Joseph slurred, also beginning to move his legs, although they were more logs than legs.

“Don’t mention it. You’ve done this often enough for me.” Sebastian suddenly had to smile a bit. “Although I have to admit, I have never seen you _this_ drunk before. Guess there’s a first time for everything, eh?”

He had meant it in a lighthearted way, but Joseph’s body tensed, as Sebastian noticed.

In Joseph’s current state, Sebastian’s last remark had triggered something in him; he felt hot, but not just from the moose milk.

“Aawww,” he moaned, placing his hand to his head.

“You sick again? Come on, we’re almost there.”

“I – I never had a relationship,” Joseph blurted out before he could stop himself.

Sebastian halted in his gait for a split second, not sure what he just had heard from Joseph.

“I’ve never been -” Joseph continued to babble, rubbing his eyes, “I never had -”

Was he crying?

“This is not the time to talk about this,” Sebastian interrupted him, wanting to prevent Joseph from saying things he would certainly feel embarrassed about later, “you need some rest after all the booze.”

\---

A few moments later, they were in Joseph’s flat. When Sebastian switched the light on, Joseph protected his eyes from it.

“Let’s hurry up, then,” Sebastian said and helped Joseph out of his coat, before he held him again to bring him to his bedroom.

The older detective hadn’t been here for a long while, the last time had been a few months ago, crashing on the couch in the living room after investigating a crime scene in the vicinity.

Upon entering Joseph’s bedroom, Sebastian thought that he had never been here; another first time then.

Instead of turning the light on, Sebastian let the door open as wide as possible to let the light from the hall in, and then carefully sat Joseph on his oddly sized bed; it wasn’t a double-bed, but also not small enough for one person.

Joseph stripped his shoes and leather gloves he always wore off, set his glasses on the night stand, and stretched out on his bed with a groan. He struggled with the duvet, neatly folded on the foot of the bed, so Sebastian covered him.

“You a bit better now?” Sebastian answered.

No answer came, because Joseph had fallen asleep immediately, curled up on his side towards Sebastian.

Chuckling quietly, it was weird for Sebastian to be the one bringing a drunk Joseph home.

But he wasn’t finished yet; he went to the bathroom to get a bucket, and carried it back to the bedroom. Just in case Joseph would need it during the night, Sebastian put it next to his bed.

Sebastian could go now, but he watched Joseph for some moments in his sleep, and even dared to get closer and pet his head lightly. He then remembered what the young man had told him during their walk to the flat.

Had Joseph stayed alone because of Sebastian - ?

If it was true what he had said – and Sebastian didn’t doubt that, Joseph wasn’t known for being a liar or exaggerating things – , it made sense that Joseph was so private and hardly opened up to people, even to people rather close to him like Sebastian.

After all these years, Sebastian knew hardly anything about his partner, despite Joseph even becoming Lily’s godfather, and caring for her like for his own child, babysitting her often enough so that Sebastian and Myra could have a nice evening every once in a while.

Joseph loved his parents, that much Sebastian knew, visiting them every year for Christmas and New Year’s, but that was it. Did he have hobbies, besides the books, games and DVDs in his living room? Friends outside the force? Did David, the bar man, count as such a friend? Joseph never talked about these things, but always considered work first; Sebastian had accepted and respected that at some point, not questioning it.

And beneath all of it, it must have been difficult enough for Joseph to prefer men as a police officer, always fearing how colleagues would react to a coming-out. But always seeing others having a girlfriend, boyfriend, or being married, that probably had Joseph shut himself off entirely, maybe making him feel as if he was not normal.

Now that Sebastian thought of it – would he be able to have a relationship with Joseph? He still couldn’t really explain to himself why, while being married to a woman, he had fallen in love with a man. In the past, there had been a few guys Sebastian had been attracted to, but had never acted on it. What if he also had been afraid of how people around him would have reacted to that? Sebastian had already been a police officer then -

Maybe this was the opportunity to be with Joseph - ? Myra was already with someone else, that had been the main reason why Sebastian had finally agreed to the divorce. Though it still bothered him how his marriage could have ended so easily – as if it always had been hold together only by their child, as if it always had been built on sand. Of course, his drinking and all their arguments about it after Lily’s death had very likely sped up the whole situation, Sebastian didn’t deny that.

He rubbed the back of his neck, exhausted by all these thoughts and feelings. Decisions had to be made, probably soon, especially after Joseph shared more and more about himself. Sebastian exhaled, and didn’t know what to do when he and his friend would meet tomorrow again at work. He should also sleep over it, and finally left Joseph, though with a bad conscience.


	4. Door 4

When Sebastian arrived at the department the next morning, Joseph wasn’t there yet. This was exceptional, since the younger detective was always punctual, unlike Sebastian, who always came a few minutes too late. Joseph’s coat was no where to be seen in the office and his desk was empty.

“Hey,” he called Connelly, who came along, “you know where Joseph is?”

“He called in sick this morning,” Connelly answered, shrugging. “It’s really the first time he’s sick, right?”

“Yeah, probably.” Sebastian went back to his office and sat down at his desk.

Connelly wasn’t entirely correct about Joseph; Sebastian could remember once or twice when Joseph had been ill, though for one or two days only. He had never bothered to visit Joseph then, always too focused on his family. Knowing now that Joseph had always been alone, Sebastian felt some remorse for not having taken care of him.

Although – it shouldn’t have mattered if Joseph had been alone or not.

Sebastian took his phone out, wanting to call Joseph to hear if he was okay, to hear his voice -

Sighing, Sebastian dialed Joseph’s number.

Joseph picked up. “Hello, Seb.”

His voice was very feeble, as Sebastian noticed concernedly. “Hi, Joseph. How are you?”

“Well, you can hear how I speak,” Joseph chuckled, and then coughed, “I have temperature, I’m coughing, I’m sneezing – the whole program.”

“You seemed fine yesterday -”

“I – I wasn’t feeling very well lately, but thought it would go away soon.”

_Damn._ “How long will you stay at home?”

“I don’t know yet,” Joseph replied, “I’m still at the doctor, you know how long you have to wait without an appointment.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have driven you.”

Joseph seemed perplexed by that offer, because he needed some moments to answer. “You don’t have to do that. Besides, then you would have come too late to work, and I know how much paperwork is waiting for you.”

Sebastian looked over his table: about ten manila folders were lying there, all of them waiting to be done. Normally, he would let Joseph deal with that -

“Oh, shit -” he muttered.

“See?” Joseph coughed again on the other end of the line.

Sebastian huffed. “Well, then just tell me if you need something, okay?”

“Seb, really, you don’t have to -”

“Jo, you,” Sebastian gulped, “you helped me so often,” _and endured so much with me_ , “let me do something for you.”

“You helped yesterday. Did I thank you for that?”

“Never mind, just let me help you again.”

Joseph again didn’t answer immediately. “Actually - “

“Yes?”

“I feel very – exhausted. I’m not sure if I can make it later to the store, so – maybe you could do me a favor and do my groceries?”

“Sure!” Sebastian smiled. “What shall I buy - “

He noted down the things Joseph wanted, and told Joseph that he would bring them after the paperwork was done.

They finished their call, and Joseph gazed at his cell phone. How come Sebastian – cared so much for him?

Joseph blushed. Despite the moose milk that his brain had become last evening, he could still remember what he had confessed to Sebastian. So the other man probably just pitied him -

_Thank goodness I haven’t told him something else - ! If I’m lucky he thinks it was a joke._

But that couldn’t explain Sebastian’s behavior lately, at least not entirely. Joseph hadn’t missed how Sebastian hadn’t been drinking that much, how more focused – and mentally stable – he was, and how he came to work every day in fresh clothes – something he would only manage to do when he remained comparatively sober for a while.

Although it wasn’t just Sebastian who was changing, albeit at the surface for now. Joseph wondered why he would say strange, personal things about himself to Sebastian, probably only unnerving his partner. Or even letting him do his groceries for him -

His head began to throb again, and Joseph hoped the doctor would call him in soon.

***

Sebastian finished his last report in the afternoon; he didn’t have to work on a current case, and due to his much overtime, no one was bothered when he left the office early.

He then went to the nearest supermarket to buy Joseph’s groceries. It wasn’t much: orange juice, milk, bread, as well as chicken and noodles, since Joseph wanted to make chicken soup to get better.

Sebastian drove to Joseph’s apartment. At the house door, he pushed the door bell’s button next to his partner’s name, and waited for the buzzing to tell him that the door was open for him; Sebastian had sent Joseph a text message that he was on his way.

He climbed up the stairs to the second floor where Joseph’s apartment was, and just when he raised his hand to knock on the door, it opened and so he accidentally punched Joseph lightly on his nose -

“Oh – sorry,” Sebastian pulled his hand back.

Joseph jumped a bit back, and offered an awful sight: His hair was a wild mess, his face was as white as a paper sheet, his nose sniffy reddish and his eyes watery. He wasn’t wearing his usually formal and elegant work clothes, but a black t-shirt and grey jogging pants underneath a blue morning coat; his outfit was adorned by a scarf around his neck and thick wool socks with slippers on his feet.

Sebastian was a bit shocked by that sight; he had never seen Joseph like this, and he couldn’t remember seeing him in casual clothes.

Although it was also kind of cute to see him like this...

“Here,” Sebastian almost shyly proffered a brown paper bag with his shopping, “the stuff you wanted.”

Joseph’s lips were forming a quiet ‘thank you’ and he took the bag.

“Anything else I can do for you?” Sebastian frowned.

Joseph shook his head, and suddenly held his head with one hand, leaning against the door frame.

“Joseph!” Sebastian grabbed the other man’s upper arm. “Are you okay?”

“So – tired,” Joseph whispered.

Sebastian noticed how Joseph’s body was shaking. He put his palm on Joseph’s forehead: it was as hot as a stove.

“You’re burning!” Sebastian took the paper bag back and slung one of Joseph’s arms around his own shoulder to support his sick friend. “You better lie down - !”

He closed the door, brought Joseph to his living room and placed him carefully on the couch there; a thick duvet with a blanket above was there, as well as a big pillow.

Joseph lied back on that pillow, pulling the blankets over himself.

There was a coffee table between the couch and the television. Sebastian put the bag on it, next to the cup of tea and a box of tissues there. The TV screen displayed pictures of African animals, a documentary – it suited Joseph.

“Have you taken your temperature?” Sebastian inquired.

“Uhm,” Joseph’s head was swimming, “somewhere around 102 degrees -”

“You seem to get worse since yesterday. How long will you stay at home?”

“The doctor told me to stay until the end of the week.”

Today was Tuesday, so that would be a long time Sebastian had to manage without him.

But that wasn’t the problem here; Joseph needed to rest. “Have you eaten anything yet?” Sebastian asked.

“No. I had to wait for a long time at the doctor -”

“So I will cook for you. You just watch your animals until I’m done.”

Joseph stared at him for several seconds in something like disbelief, too baffled by the prospect of being taken care by Sebastian. Then, he tried to say something, but his voice failed him, and he closed his eyes. He looked really beat, so Sebastian grabbed the bag from the coffee table and went to the kitchen to make chicken soup; he wasn’t the best cook, but he could do that task.

Sebastian froze for a second after entering the kitchen; he had nursed a sick Lily so often, and even Myra sometimes -

The memory made his throat dry, but he shook himself out of it; he had to look after Joseph.

***

After an hour, Sebastian finished the soup and delivered it over to Joseph. The patient was lying there, focused with half-hooded eyes on a baby elephant.

“Joseph, dinner’s ready!” Sebastian growled.

“Aww -” Joseph touched his temple. “Please, don’t be so loud, Seb...” He sat up and reached out for the plate with trembling hands.

“I don’t think that’ll work,” Sebastian said a little amused.

The young man dropped his weak arms back on his lap.

Sighing, Sebastian sat down on the smaller sofa next to the big one in which Joseph was lying. He then put some soup on the spoon.

“Wha-?”

“Joseph, I know this is embarrassing for you – just let me help you, and I won’t tell anyone. Now open your mouth.”

A bit hesitant, Joseph opened his mouth and allowed Sebastian to feed him.

It was a very slow procedure, with Joseph needing small breaks in-between spoons. Both felt awkward and uncomfortable, witnessing each other behaving in such an unusual way. In the end, it had been a good idea to give Joseph food like this, because he was shivering every now and then visibly.

The bowl just half empty, Joseph waved his hand, signalizing Sebastian that he didn’t want to eat more. The chicken soup was actually pretty good, but Joseph was already stuffed.

“You sure you don’t want to have more?” Sebastian worried. “You could use it.” There was still plenty of it left, too; he had done enough to last some days.

Lifting one of his hands, Joseph rubbed one of his eyes with his knuckles. “I’d like to go to sleep.”

Sebastian checked the clock on the wall close to the kitchen door; it was around 5 PM, quite early, but Joseph appeared to be very worn-out with the fever.

“Alright, let’s get you to bed,” Sebastian stood up. “Shall we take your bed stuff over?”

“Yes,” Joseph got up on his wobbly legs, barely able to stand; Sebastian supported him by holding his still quivering arm.

“I’ll take it,” Sebastian declared, collecting all the bed clothes.

They trotted to Joseph’s bed room, Sebastian with one arm occupied with the blankets, the other one with Joseph. After entering his room, he assisted Joseph to lay down on his bed, complete with scarf and socks and morning gown, and Sebastian carefully threw the blankets over him so that he would stay warm.

Joseph cuddled into the mattress. “What will you do now?”

“I’ll stay here for a while, just in case you need something,” Sebastian smiled.

Again, Joseph was taken aback by that offer.

But despite his tiredness, there was still something lying on his chest. Now that Joseph was in bed, he felt a bit more secure, protected by the duvet to talk about it.

“Seb,” he began, “yesterday evening – I told you something I shouldn’t have told you.”

“What?” Sebastian frowned. “Oh, that – I won’t tell anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

He approached the bed, and put his hand on the duvet where he assumed Joseph’s shoulder would be. “I’m just wondering why you’ve never been with anyone. Yesterday, you – seemed to want to be in a relationship.”

Starting a bit at Sebastian’s hand, Joseph answered: “I – I dated a few times, but it never worked out for a relationship.”

Sebastian looked worriedly at Joseph, again thinking about that maybe the other man hadn’t seriously tried because of him.

Joseph avoided Sebastian’s eyes as much as possible, utterly embarrassed about his failed dating, but also embarrassed about discussing these things with his partner. It must have been that stupid fever -

“Well, I don’t really know what I could say to you now,” Sebastian stroke the duvet, respective Joseph’s shoulder beneath it, “but you should rest now instead of thinking about this stuff, okay?”

He didn’t really have to encourage Joseph to sleep, since he had difficulties now to keep his eyes open. “Thanks,” he murmured, “and for staying here, too.” It was still weird to have Sebastian around like this, but Joseph was too tired to wonder about it – not to mention that he was glad to not be alone with his illness.

Smiling a bit, Sebastian switched the lamp on the night stand out and went to the door, turning around once more in the door frame to wish Joseph a quiet ‘good night’. He didn’t close the door entirely, but left it a bit ajar.


	5. Door 5

Joseph woke up to some sounds that he heard from the kitchen.

What were these sounds? Was someone robbing him out?

He slowly got up. Joseph’s head was still aching, and he felt wobbly, but he still wanted to have a look.

To be prepared for anything, he went to his gun holster, and got his weapon out, carrying it under his morning coat.

Sneaking to the kitchen, Joseph kept a hand on the wall or on the furniture to stay stable on his shaky legs. But the closer he got, the smell of fried eggs permeated his nose, or as much as his stuffed nose would allow.

He entered the kitchen, and discovered Sebastian at the stove, making some fried eggs. The older man wasn’t wearing his vest and tie yet.

Sebastian turned around. “Good morning!”

“Seb!” Joseph replied tiredly. “You scared me! I thought someone tried to rob me.” He laid his gun on the kitchen table.

“Whoa, put that thing away!” Sebastian exclaimed; he never liked having a gun in the kitchen. “I went home after you fell asleep, and got some things here to stay over night to look after you. I slept on the couch.”

He stepped closer to Joseph, moving a chair away from the table. “I’m sorry I scared you. Sit down, you shouldn’t stand around so long.” Sebastian grabbed the gun and brought it back to Joseph’s bedroom.

Joseph did as told and waited for Sebastian to come back; he was trembling. A clock on the kitchen counter told him that it was a quarter to 7 AM.

Sebastian returned, handing him a blanket. “You should lie in your bed.” Joseph draped himself in the blanket. “You’re hungry?”

Actually, Joseph felt his stomach growling. “Yeah, I guess.”

“I was just making breakfast before I go to work,” Sebastian explained. “I’ll throw some eggs for you in.”

“Thanks,” Joseph answered. “But you didn’t have to – stay over night.” It wasn’t only the fever and the blanket that made him warm up.

“Yes, yes, I didn’t have to, but I _wanted_ to.” Sebastian fumbled in the frying pan with the fork. “And I will come back after work again, taking care of you.”

“Oh,” Joseph startled, clamping up his legs; it kind of frightened him to maybe have Sebastian around in his apartment. “Wouldn’t that be too much next to work?”

“No, it wouldn’t.” Sebastian shoved the eggs on two ready plates, and brought them over to the table. “Now eat, you need your strength.”

Joseph stared at Sebastian, too flabbergasted at his resolute gentleness to react, except for taking the fork and starting to eat.

After serving two mugs of coffee, Sebastian joined him.

They both had a few bites of the eggs. Even to Joseph’s impaired taste buds, they were really good.

Although it wasn’t the first time Sebastian had cooked something for him, it again made Joseph wonder. No one had actually cared about him like this since he had left Canada, or so he thought. And it was strange that, of all people, Sebastian was now the one to do so.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked.

“Doing what?”

“Looking after me now that I’m sick.”

Another first time; the past years, Joseph had just accepted that Sebastian was more concerned with his family, and after Lily’s death with whiskey. He hardly ever questioned what the older detective did.

Sebastian directed his fork slowly on his plate, following it with his eyes. Should he tell Joseph about his feelings for him? Was this really the right moment?

His gaze was distracted by the light spot on his ring finger where he had had his wedding band until a few weeks ago -

So instead of confessing to Joseph, he explained: “I want to make it up to you for the last year, I guess. Maybe for the past few years.”

“Ah,” was Joseph’s short reply.

“And don’t tell me that I don’t have to do that.”

Utterly defeated by Sebastian’s determination – and his fever – Joseph said shyly: “O-okay,” and continued to eat.


	6. Door 6

Sebastian had come back to Joseph’s apartment in the evening; they ate the chicken soup from the day before together – Joseph managed to eat on his own this time – and after that, Joseph actually felt okay enough to watch his favorite quiz show.

They were sitting next to each other on the couch, Joseph draped in a duvet. It was that famous quiz show on TV, and it somehow suited Joseph to watch this kind of stuff; Sebastian was a bit amused by this, realizing that he was witnessing another private side of his partner and friend. If this was how it was to be with Joseph, Sebastian didn’t find it that bad.

He followed the show for a while, and then was startled by something hitting his shoulder: Joseph had let his head lean on it.

Worriedly, Sebastian touched Joseph’s forehead, which was very warm.

“Hey, Jo,” Sebastian called out quietly, “let’s bring you to bed.”

“Huh?” Joseph rubbed his eyes. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Have you taken your temperature today?” Sebastian supported Joseph with standing up.

“Yes, shortly before you came here,” was the answer, “I’m still around 100 degrees.”

The two men walked to Joseph’s room, Sebastian holding him by his shoulders to steer him as safely as possible there.

***

Joseph fell asleep without problems, but Sebastian stayed in his room for a couple of minutes, just to make sure.

He then returned to the living room to prepare himself for bed – sleeping on the couch – when he spotted the DVDs on Joseph’s book shelf; to his astonishment, they were Disney movies.

Did Joseph really watch this stuff? Was he embarrassed by them, so that they were on the bottom shelf?

It was possible that Joseph was a secret Disney fan. But these were mostly newer films with princesses –

The same movies he and Myra had had for Lily.

Sebastian sighed; the DVDs were on the right height for a small child to grab, so Joseph had probably bought these films specifically for babysitting Lily. How odd that he hadn’t thrown them away – but maybe Joseph wanted to keep them for memories.

Now that he thought of it, Joseph had never really said anything about Lily’s death. He must have been sad, considering how close he and his goddaughter had been.

But Sebastian remembered how Joseph had consoled him during the funeral; Joseph hadn’t shed a tear since the fire, at least not in public, while Sebastian had been crying like mad for his dead child -

He also thought of the whiskey bottle he had discovered in Joseph’s kitchen cabinet when he had cooked the chicken soup. It must be Japanese, according to the outlandish characters on the label. Sebastian had been surprised to see it, and it shocked him to consider that Joseph would drink this strong stuff regularly -

A loud moan ended Sebastian’s dwelling in these things.

“AAAAaaawwww -”

Sebastian immediately jumped from the couch to the bed room.

An awful sight presented itself in front of him when he dashed through the bedroom’s door. Despite the darkness, the light from the hall helped Sebastian to see that Joseph had thrown the blankets away in his sleep, and he was panting and wheezing and sweating. Maybe he had suffered from a nightmare -

After coming nearer, Sebastian put his palm on Joseph’s forehead, and the fever hadn’t gone down yet.

Swearing, he hurried to the bathroom, took a small cloth and held it under cold water. He returned to Joseph, switched the lamp on the night stand on, sat down on the bed and then gently dabbed the cloth around the face.

Slowly, Joseph calmed down, his breathing becoming more regular. Sebastian decided to free him from the gown, the socks and the scarf that he was always wearing, to let the skin also breath a bit more. After that, he pulled the blankets back over Joseph.

Not exactly knowing what to do right now, Sebastian and crouched at the side of the bed; Joseph was lying close to the edge of the mattress, so Sebastian bowed forward, and touched Joseph’s forehead with his own cheek – it was something he had often done with Lily when she had been ill…

For a few seconds, he remained like this. Joseph’s face was still very warm, but a bit better than when he had found him, and the young man was fast asleep.

Or so Sebastian thought. When he lifted his head, Joseph’s eyes were wide open, staring straight at Sebastian.

The older detective frowned. Had Joseph noticed - ?

“I miss Lily so much,” Joseph suddenly said, his eyes normally open again.

Sebastian stopped breathing. This was very strange -

“She was such a little sunshine,” Joseph continued.

“Yeah, she was -” Sebastian gulped.

“ _My_ little sunshine - “ Joseph’s eyes began to close again.

Clenching his fists, Sebastian whole body began to tremble.

“I have to bring her fresh flowers...” Finally, Joseph closed his eyes.

He began to quietly hum a melody, and Sebastian recognized the tune:

_You are my sunshine,_

_my only sunshine,_

_you make me happy_

_when skies are gray…_

The melody faded away into Joseph’s breathing and sleep. Apparently, he had been dreaming with open eyes.

Myra had been singing or humming this song as a lullaby for Lily, and Joseph probably had heard that some time in the past, when Sebastian had invited him for dinner at their old home -

Sebastian stood up, his expression dark and his eyes clouded with tears.

That was when he saw the small chest of drawers with three framed pictures on it close to the door. He hadn’t been paying attention to it so far, because he would only be in Joseph’s room when it was rather dark, and had been busy with Joseph.

He recognized the two pictures on the left immediately. One had been taken at a picnic organized by the police department last year in early fall; it showed Myra and Lily in the center, Sebastian on the left, holding happily up a can of beer, and Joseph on the right, smiling a bit. It was the last picture taken together before the fire -

Cringing, the older detective looked at the next photograph with a shining Joseph having a cheerful baby Lily in his arms -

Breathing in, Sebastian turned the frames face-down to not have them in front of his eyes. He knew these pictures, he and his wife had had them in his house, he had had them on the desk in his office, but he wished that they were gone, just like his own copies had burnt with the house and his daughter; and he had destroyed the photos from his office, torn them apart in a fit of rage shortly after Lily’s death.

He directed his gaze to the third picture; it was a more ‘harmless’ one, displaying a shy kid Joseph with his smiling parents.

He stomped out of the room, hissing a ‘damn you, Joseph, damn you’ through his teeth.

***

Joseph woke up. He felt numb and tired, and his head was pounding. Somehow, he managed to find the clock on his nightstand which informed him that it was shortly after midnight.

He realized that lamp on his night stand was still on, and that his bladder had woken him. Throwing the blanket away and getting up, Joseph noticed that he wasn’t wearing his morning gown anymore. Hadn’t he gone to bed with it - ?

Discovering it on a chair that he had in his room, he put it and his slippers on, and walked to the bathroom.

After leaving it, a whiff of smoke entered Joseph’s nose. Perhaps Sebastian was smoking.

Apparently, the smoke came from his living room, so he went there.

Despite having forgotten his glasses on the night stand, Joseph could discern Sebastian, or rather the back of his head, because the couch was with it’s back to the hall with his bedroom.

A lamp was lit on a small table close to the couch, and Sebastian was sitting in one corner of it. He was smoking, as the clouds around his head indicated.

The young man approached the couch, and stood at the sofa opposite of Sebastian; he knew that mood Sebastian sometimes was in, so it was better to tread lightly here.

Sebastian ignored him, and now, Joseph could also see that he was drinking: there was his Japanese whiskey bottle, together with a glass on the coffee table.

“Seb, what’s going on?” he asked. “Are you okay?”

Finally, the older detective reacted to Joseph, but didn’t say anything at first. He squeezed his cigarette out on a small plate, since Joseph didn’t have any ash trays.

He then put his elbow on the arm rest, and then his jaw into his hand. “I found you talking in your sleep,” he began, “and you said something about Lily.”

That was weird. “Really? I can’t remember anything.”

“You hardly ever say anything about Lily.”

Joseph put one hand on the back rest of the sofa, hesitating. “I’m sorry. I usually don’t talk about her because I know how much it upsets you -”

“And you said that you want to bring her fresh flowers,” Sebastian sniffed, “are you visiting her grave?”

Oh, well, now was a good opportunity as any other. “Yes, once or twice a month. Sometimes, I meet up there with Myra and we talk, although – it’s mostly her who talks, she’s the grieving parent -” He smiled wryly.

Sebastian jolted and stood up, fury in his eyes.

“ _You’re doing all of this behind my back!?_ ”

“Well, I – like I said, it upsets you - “ Joseph held the front of his morning gown.

“ _Oh, MAN!”_ Sebastian let his hands run over his face. _“_ _I’m so done with you submissiveness!”_ he spat, pointing with his index finger at Joseph. _“_ _And_ _i_ _t’s always about me, or Myra, or Lily – you always wait for us to do something!”_ Sebastian breathed heavily. _“_ _W_ _hat are we, some kind of entertainment for you, so that you don’t have to_ _bother doing_ _anything?!_ _”_

Shocked, Joseph backed off, swallowing, too surprised to say anything. Sebastian wasn’t just drunk from the whiskey, but also from his anger. And it wasn’t the first time that Sebastian bellowed at him like this, but it was the first time that it wasn’t about his drinking or work.

But rather about Joseph himself.

“And you never defend yourself when I’m mad at you!” Sebastian snorted, brushing his fingers through his hair, “the whole last year, I yelled at you, and you do nothing! _S_ _ay something, dammit_!”

Joseph dug his fingers into the sofa. “I – I don’t know – what do you want to hear from me?”

His face in his palm, Sebastian was at the end of his wits. He then glared at Joseph, gesturing towards him: “ _Shit, Joseph, look at yourself! No wonder you’ve never been with anyone!_ ”

He hid his mouth behind his hand, sobering up immediately, realizing that he had stepped over the line here.

Joseph began to tremble all over his body -

For some moments, Sebastian watched him, and then slowly moved towards the other man. “Joseph, I’m so sorry, I didn’t -”

“ _All these years,”_ Joseph suddenly yelled back, _“I tried to be a good friend to you, tried to be there for you, tried to not bother you – endured YOUR shit for the last months, and this is what I get!_ ” He covered his eyes with his hand. “I’m so tired of this...” He kind of sobbed, but then looked back to Sebastian. “ _That’s it! When I go back to work, I’ll ask to go to another unit and..._ ”

He didn’t get any further, since his legs gave up on him.

Just in time, Sebastian caught Joseph’s quivering and weak body in his arms; he touched Joseph’s forehead. “ _Shit!_ You’re roasting!”

“ _Leave me alone - !_ ”

“Come on,” Sebastian wrapped one of Joseph’s arms around his shoulders, “you should lie in bed.”

“Let go of me!” Joseph punched Sebastian on his chest in a futile attempt to get away from him.

Sebastian more or less dragged Joseph to his bedroom, and once there, he placed the patient in the bed. Despite Joseph still trying to fight Sebastian, the older man managed to free him from the morning gown and pulled the duvet and blankets over him.

Joseph began to toss and turn beneath the blankets from fever and anger.

“Calm down, Jo, calm down!” Sebastian held him gently down on his forehead and chest.

“Get out of here – I don’t want to see you - “ Joseph groaned, barely able to keep his eyes open.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” Sebastian sighed, “but someone has to look after you now - !”

That somehow seemed to work, since Joseph slowed down his movements, but was still moaning and panting.

So Sebastian dared to go to the bathroom and wet a cloth with cold water,  placing it carefully on Joseph’s face to cool him down as much as possible.

J oseph’s heavy breathing kept going for a while, and Sebastian repeated the procedure with the cloth. At some point, he sat down on a chair he found close to the bed, since he was tired, too.

“Shit,” he whispered. _If he doesn’t calm down, I’ll bring him to the hospital - !_

About half an hour passed, and Joseph’s breathing finally became normal. Only now Sebastian had the idea to use a clinical thermometer, and with Joseph lying on his side, he was able to put it into his mouth, with the ill man closing his mouth around it.

It was one of those modern thermometers that beeped when having measured the temperature, and Sebastian looked at it in the light of the night lamp on the stand next to the bed: 102 degrees.

Exhausted, Sebastian sat back down on the chair, regretting it for half an hour now that he had yelled at a sick man, and treating him like shit in his own home. The past days, Joseph’s temperature wasn’t really getting better, only for a short time and then it shot up again.

“Uuh,” he heard Joseph. “Seb?”

“You’re still awake? You should sleep.”

“I’m freezing -”

Sebastian reached out and stroke Joseph’s head, not minding what Joseph might think of it; he could feel how the younger man was trembling strongly, although being covered with so many blankets.

He still got up to search for some more blankets, in Joseph’s closet and dressers, but couldn’t find any more.

In the end, because it was pretty late – shortly before 2 AM – and Sebastian’s tired brain couldn’t think of anything better, he lifted the blankets off the bed and laid next to Joseph.

It was probably a stupid idea, and due to the bed’s weird size, Sebastian was lying rather close, but not too close, to the other man, and the blankets were big enough for him, too. Sebastian was glad about that, since he also had begun to shiver due to the bad weather outside, and all the exhaustion.

***

“Seb – Sebastian?”

“Hm?” The addressed one had hardly fallen asleep when Joseph called him. “Do you need something, Jo?”

Joseph made it very clear what he needed: he curled himself up next to Sebastian, who was lying on his back, and put his head and one of his arms on the other man’s chest, letting out a quiet sigh.

_What the - ?_ Sebastian woke up in an instant, nearly holding his breath.

The fever likely made Joseph do this, or perhaps he was dreaming. It was almost shocking to see – and feel – Joseph like this.

“You’re finally here,” Joseph mumbled into Sebastian’s shirt, “with me.”

He was dreaming, Sebastian concluded. Somehow, it let Sebastian’s heart melt that someone was actually _dreaming_ about him, especially after so many terrible arguments he had with Joseph.

And knowing that Joseph had never been in a relationship -

Sebastian put one arm around quivering Joseph, and began to gently stroke the younger man’s back, his arm lying on his own chest, his head and cheek – he even gave him a small kiss on the top of his head.

“There, there -” he whispered.

Joseph snuggled a bit more into Sebastian, giving out a small, satisfied hum, which made Sebastian’s lower regions – kind of stir.

That was very likely _not_ the reaction he should have, at least not in a moment like this. Sebastian hadn’t had sex for over a year now – but how difficult it must have been for Joseph - ?

Closing his eyes, Sebastian tried to focus at the task literally at hand; he drew the blankets and duvet closer around him and Joseph, and the patient gradually warmed up, and his body wasn’t shivering anymore.


	7. Door 7

At 10 AM the next morning, Joseph woke up with a headache. He breathed in, and noticed that his bed linen was smelling odd. Was that cigarette smoke and whiskey - ?

He sat up on his bed, pushing his pillow into his back, exhausted from the night, despite having slept. Suddenly, Joseph remembered the fight he and Sebastian had, the words and insults they had exchanged – Joseph had been very angry with the older man, for the first time in so many years.

But that didn’t explain the smoke and whiskey smell in his bed -

“Good morning,” Sebastian was standing in the door frame, a tray in his two hands.

“Morning,” Joseph answered hoarsely, glancing at his alarm clock. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work?”

Sebastian came closer. “I took the day off,” he replied, putting the tray on the chair near the bed, himself sitting on the edge of the mattress. “In fact, our captain gave me the rest of the week, too.”

The tray had a mug of green tea on it, as well as a plate with scrambled eggs.

“But – the work, the cases -”

“We fortunately have hardly anything to do at the moment. Perhaps even the bad guys don’t want to do much in this weather.”

He nodded at the window, the snow falling again in big flakes.

“I know I shouldn’t be here, after the fight with had yesterday – during the night,” Sebastian began, still looking away from Joseph, “but I also didn’t want to leave you alone, as sick as you are.”

Joseph didn’t answer, since he didn’t really had an answer.

Turning towards Joseph, Sebastian continued: “I’m just really sorry for how I treated you the last year, and I shouldn’t have said that thing about you and your – dating and relationships.”

The patient stared down at his hands which were fumbling with his blanket.

“You were probably right about it, though,” Joseph replied. “It would explain so many things.” He gulped.

“I’m sure you’ll find the right person,” Sebastian tried, aware how hollow and cliché his words sounded.

Not to mention that he wondered if he himself was the right person for Joseph -

“About the other things -” Joseph said.

“You don’t have to say anything now,” Sebastian took the plate with the eggs.

“Seb, the reason why I’m hardly talking is,” Joseph swallowed, “I enjoyed your and your family’s company, I liked to listen to you all – I mean, I usually go to work, and then I come home, glad that I have survived another day in this job, and then I usually eat, read something or watch a documentary – I just don’t have much to tell you...”

Joseph cast his eyes down, the emptiness of his life becoming so totally aware to him. He always knew that his life was like this, but putting it into words, actually scared him a bit -

Sebastian let his shoulders hang and watched Joseph’s face, noticing for the first time the many tiny wrinkles beneath his eyes. “Yeah, I should have thought as much. That’s why I feel so stupid after yelling at you. After so many years, I should be used to how you are - “

_And that’s how I fell in love with you -_

With a sniff, Joseph began to rub his eyes with trembling hands, and Sebastian was sure he had seen some tears glistening in them -

“And I didn’t have any other place to go...”

Sebastian startled, kind of hurt by what Joseph just said.

“I’m – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to -” Joseph apologized.

“Well, I probably deserve that after all the shit I caused you.”

Joseph stared at him for a while; he then turned away: “I’m tired.”

“Yes, I know. At least eat something first, and then you can rest again.” He gave Joseph a moment, and then set the tray on Joseph’s lap, over the duvet.

Nodding, Joseph took the fork and started to eat. His hand was still trembling, but it wasn’t as bad as some days ago.

***

Some time later, Joseph was asleep again.

Sebastian stood in the door frame, drinking a coffee, checking in just to make sure. At least now, the younger detective seemed to have calmed down.

He went back to the kitchen, contemplating on having a smoke; the first thing Sebastian had done in the morning was cleaning up some plates from the day and night before, including the small plate that he had used as ash tray.

Since the ash tray was cleaned, and he would have to go out to get new cigarettes, Sebastian forgot about smoking. He sat down at the kitchen table, leaning his elbow on it.

When was the last time he had had a free day? It must have been some time last year, and he hadn’t taken any leave since the tragedy of his family. Their captain had actually been glad when he had called to ask to take the day off, wondering how her best detective had been able to work like this for a whole year.

Now that he had some vacation, Sebastian realized that he was kind of exhausted. Although most of the exhaustion had more to do with the last few weeks thinking about Myra and Joseph than the actual work – he hadn’t had as many nightmares about Lily lately, but more dreams about Joseph.

Maybe Sebastian should tell him. Maybe he should tell Joseph about his feelings for him, maybe he should end Joseph’s ‘aloneness’, if that was even a word.

But he wanted Joseph to be fit again for that kind of confession, since Sebastian believed that it might be too shocking for Joseph. Another concern was that Sebastian didn’t want to look like he wanted to be something like Joseph’s savior from his loneliness -

Having so much time for himself, so much time for thinking about himself would usually make Sebastian drink. Which was shit, because the last few days, he hadn’t had any drink – except for the mistake with Joseph’s whiskey, but otherwise, he had done comparatively well -

Sebastian scratched his head. He had another day to plan and some meals to prepare, Joseph couldn’t just eat chicken soup and scrambled eggs all the time. Perhaps he could make himself a cup of green tea, too.

***

In the evening, Joseph felt good enough again to sit on the couch and watch some TV, with a thick blanked around him. Sebastian was sitting next to him and had brought them both two mugs of tea; he hadn’t liked the green tea, and had gotten himself some fruit tea while doing the groceries.

A documentary was on. “Why am I not surprised that you like this kind of show?” Sebastian smiled.

“Oh, it’s” Joseph blushed a bit, “it’s one of the few things I really like to watch. The other stuff around this time is mostly crime shows -”

“Hah, we have a lot of that in our work.”

“Or Christmas stuff.”

“I couldn’t care less about that.”

“The documentary must bore you. I think there’s a sitcom on another channel,” Joseph reached out for the remote control.

“No, no, don’t worry,” Sebastian waved Joseph’s hand away, “you enjoy your show, and I’m just glad I have a calm evening.”

Joseph leaned back into the couch; he remembered the stupid fantasies he often had about himself and Sebastian living together, even watching TV like this.

Perhaps he could tell Sebastian. Perhaps Joseph could tell him that he preferred men. He still didn’t know how Sebastian thought about that, the other man never mentioned anything about this sort of topic. Sure, they had had some cases with gay people being involved, but Joseph believed that Sebastian hadn’t said anything out of professional courtesy.

And what about his own feelings for Sebastian - ?

What if Sebastian didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore? Even if he would get a transfer, Joseph would still like to see Sebastian every now and then, but what if the other didn’t want that after a confession - ?

No, no, it was still better when Joseph would shut up about this.

Embarrassment crept up his body, thinking about his fantasies while having the very man now in reality besides him. He reminded himself that sometimes Lily had also been in these fantasies, as if it had been their child, which was stupid and unfair towards Myra -

Speaking of fantasies - “Say, my bed smells kinda funny,” Joseph said, “like whiskey and cigarettes?”

“Oh, yeah,” Sebastian scratched his chin, “we should change your linen, I guess, we haven’t done so for days.”

“But – why does it smell like that?”

Sebastian sighed. “I thought you forgot – you were freezing last night, and I couldn’t find any more blankets, so I slept in your bed to warm you up.”

“I – I did that?!” Joseph cringed. “I mean – _you_ did that?”

“It was probably a stupid idea, but I didn’t really know what else to do.” Sebastian grimaced.

Now Joseph remembered a bit the warmth that had been emanating from the other man’s body, but also the whiskey and the smoke -

How close had he been lying to Sebastian? It was as if the older man had been holding him -

“I will also replace your whiskey bottle,” Sebastian interrupted his embarrassed memories.

“What? Oh, that – that costed 150 bucks.”

“ _150 -???_ ” Sebastian jumped a bit out of his seat. “You’re drinking that kind of expensive stuff?!”

“I buy one bottle every one or two years. It tastes better than the American stuff.”

Slumping back, Sebastian said: “I’ll give you the money tomorrow.” The bottle had been mostly full, so Joseph might have only drunk two fingers of it.

“No, I don’t really want the money, or buying that whiskey again,” Joseph replied.

Sebastian furrowed his brows. “Have you been drinking a lot at home?”

Joseph wrapped the blanket closer around himself. “I would enjoy the occasional glass of wine or whiskey every now and then,” he said, “but it became more during the last months.”

“Shit,” Sebastian remarked. The last thing he wanted was to make an alcoholic out of Joseph.

He turned towards Joseph: “You know what, I’ll give you the money anyway,” Sebastian put his large hand on Joseph’s thigh, right above the knee, patting it, “and you could do something nice with it. Or maybe we could do something together.”

The patient didn’t really know where to look at, his view switching between Sebastian’s hand on his thigh and Sebastian’s gentle face; his heart beat was quickening, never being touched like this by the other man.

Sebastian took his hand away, realizing that might look like a weird invitation to a date -

“Although,” Sebastian remembered, “you mentioned that you wanted to go to another unit?”

Joseph pondered. “I’m thinking about it for some time now.” He glanced cautiously at Sebastian. “I might ask for a transfer after New Year’s.”

“Ooph,” Sebastian brushed through his hair, “what if I promise you that I would better myself with the drinking?”

“You promised Myra so many times,” Joseph remarked, “and then you would call her fully drunk.”

That was unfortunately true. But Sebastian had improved a little, despite the relapse with Joseph’s whiskey, not having a drink since Joseph got ill -

“You’re right, of course you’re right.” He leaned back. “Is there anything else I can do about it?”

Again, Joseph thought about his next words. “Just – just really better yourself with the drinking.”


	8. Door 8

In the end, Joseph had to stay another week at home, mostly because his doctor wanted so, since he thought that the detective could need the break; Joseph also hadn’t had vacation for over a year now. Sebastian went back to work during the second week of Joseph’s illness, but would look after his partner in the evenings, cooking for him, cleaning up, watching TV with him -

And the more Sebastian looked after Joseph, the more he was afraid of Christmas, realizing more and more how alone he would be during the holidays. Years ago, before he had been married, he had often taken the holiday shift – well, it was time to take it again, to somehow survive these days.

***

When Christmas was only a few days away, it was again rather quiet at the department: no calls, most of the cases solved and it was snowing again; the atmosphere was oddly relaxing.

Joseph was sitting at his desk, drinking a coffee and looked out of the window to watch the snow falling; the door to Sebastian’s office was open, and so the younger detective could see from the corner of his eyes that he had a little smoke while reading a newspaper. 

Juli came around the corner, stood between the open door and Joseph’s desk and darted her look back and forth between the two men.

She lifted the cardboard box she had on her arms. “Connelly’s brought Christmas decorations. Wanna help hanging them up?”

“Seriously?” Sebastian rolled his eyes over the newspaper. “Is there really no way to escape that Christmas stuff?”

That was obviously a futile question. Still, Sebastian just wanted it to be over; he was already more than tired of the music in the stores, the Christmas-themed films in the movie theaters and on TV, not to mention the stupid snow and how happy every family he saw on the streets appeared -

“I think your office could use some decorations,” Joseph said, a little amused. He got up and took over the box and walked into Sebastian’s office; Juli went back to the neighboring offices, helping Connelly with the decorations there.

“You’re a traitor, Jo,” Sebastian muttered and squeezed out his cigarette.

Joseph put the cardboard box on Sebastian’s table, smiling a bit. “You’re welcome.”

Sebastian gave him a brief joyless grin, but was glad about Joseph’s smile nevertheless; despite his grumpiness about Christmas, it was mostly Joseph who cheered him up during this time. His partner hadn’t changed his closed-off behavior completely, but would talk a bit more, joke a bit more – in small baby steps, but better than nothing.

Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea that Joseph wanted to go to another unit; the department’s regulations didn’t permit romantic relationships between officers who worked together, so ironically – Sebastian could be with Joseph - ?

While reminiscing about this, Sebastian’s mood dropped seeing the chain of lights Joseph fished out of the box.

“Joseph, no,” Sebastian protested.

“Joseph, yes!” Joseph smirked. “Don’t worry, I won’t overdo it.”

“Whatever,” Sebastian crossed his arms and shrugged his shoulders, letting Joseph having his little fun; it was actually nice to see him like this. Joseph usually had helped decorating the department in the past, it was just that Sebastian had hardly ever noticed that.

Joseph put one light chain over the door and the office windows. The door was closed, but after finding a mistletoe, he opened it again, and tacked it outside on the top of the door frame.

“Why are you putting this there?” Sebastian got up to take the mistletoe away.

He just arrived on time for Juli. “Because of me,” she giggled and gave each of them a kiss on their cheek.

“What was that for?!” Sebastian exclaimed; Joseph blushed a little, covering his cheek.

“Just a little bit of Christmas fun,” Juli replied with a wink, and then disappeared behind the corner.

“Tsk,” Sebastian reached for the mistletoe; the lights were one thing, but this?!

“Why don’t you leave it there?” Joseph interrupted him. “It looks nice.”

The older detective hesitated, then let his hand sink; if Joseph liked it, he didn’t want to to spoil his good mood.

Joseph didn’t just seem a bit cheerful, he was generally like this since he had come back from his illness; he also clearly looked better since he got better.

In fact, Joseph looked really tempting -

Sebastian suddenly remembered how Joseph had been holding on to him in bed when he was ill. And how good his lithe body felt on him...

He leaned forward, and before realizing it, Sebastian gave the younger detective a kiss on the cheek.

It was a short kiss, and Sebastian enjoyed the scent of Joseph’s bittersweet aftershave, the sensation of Joseph’s warm skin lingering on his own lips -

In some kind of shock, Joseph stepped backed immediately, staring at Sebastian, not able to say anything.

Covering his mouth with his hand, Sebastian was not sure what to do either; the wonderful picture of Joseph snuggling up on him dissipated in his mind. He retreated to his desk and grabbed the newspaper to hide himself from the awkward scene he had caused.

“Why – why did you do that?” Joseph asked after a long moment of silence.

“Just some Christmas fun,” Sebastian replied. “It was only a joke. I just got carried away.”

After another almost endless moment, Joseph answered nervously: “Ah, okay.” He moved back to his own desk, before Sebastian could notice his reddish cheeks.


	9. Door 9

The two detectives wouldn’t talk much during the rest of the day, except for a short ‘good-bye’ at the end of their calm shift. Juli had noticed that something had happened between them, but didn’t ask them about it.

A case came up the next day, around noon, so Sebastian and Joseph were forced to speak to each other, but they only exchanged very short phrases, just enough to progress with the work.

This time, Juli frowned at how they literally co-worked, like two automatons. She wanted to say something, but left it again, since they weren’t hindering the investigation.

The case had been an armed robbery in a small supermarket; luckily, the owner behind the counter had survived a shot in his shoulder that he had received when he tried to retrieve his own gun, and none of the customers that had been shopping at the time got injured. Money from the cash register had been stolen, as well as money and some jewelry from the customers. The robbers had been wearing ski masks and gloves, so it was rather unlikely that the perps would be identified easily.

In the evening, when the witness accounts had been taken and CSI had gone through the crime scene, Sebastian sat down at the desk in his office and pulled out the bourbon bottle from its bottom drawer that he always kept there; the bottle was half empty. It has been quite a long time that he intended to drink from it…

He poured himself two fingers, not minding Joseph sitting at his desk, working on the report, as usual.

_What am I doing here?_

The glass with the whiskey stayed on the desk, with Sebastian turning it around, contemplating about drinking it or not. He wondered why Joseph made him drink less, while all pleas from Myra had gone one ear in, one ear out.

And it hadn’t just been the drinking from lately. Even if Sebastian wouldn’t be in love with Joseph, his younger partner always had a special place in his heart, as a friend – the few ones he had – and as Lily’s godfather.

What if his feelings for Joseph had always been stronger than he had thought?

What if Myra had noticed that long ago - ?

In a sort of shock, Sebastian took his cell phone out. He hesitatingly dialed Myra’s number.

“Sebastian?” Myra said after accepting.

“Yes, it’s me,” Sebastian gulped, “you got some time for a few words?”

“Are you drunk?”

“You should know how I sound when I’m drunk.” He pushed the glass a bit away from him. “I haven’t had a drink for over a week.”

“I hope that’s true.” She paused. “What do you want?”

Sebastian breathed in. “I – I want to talk about Joseph.”

“Ah, so you’re finally admitting it.”

_Damn._ Sebastian closed his eyes; this was worse than he had anticipated. “You know what I mean?”

“That you’re in love with Joseph? Of course I know,” Myra snapped, “I’m your wife, at least I was.”

“Joseph told me that you two meet sometimes to visit Lily’s grave - “

“Which you still haven’t visited, I guess.”

Ignoring the remark, Sebastian continued: “Did Joseph say anything?”

A small silence on the other end of the line. “What’s he supposed to say to me?”

“I’m not sure.” So she probably didn’t knew about Joseph being in love with Sebastian – or she didn’t want to out him behind his back. “Something about me?”

“Hmmm… Not that I can remember, except that you took care of him when he was sick. _I_ told him that he should look more after himself than after you.”

“Well, he’s thinking about a transfer to another unit.”

“Thank god.”

“But – how did you notice?”

Myra pondered. “You almost behaved with him like when we met and you fell in love with me. It was obviously a bit different because Joseph’s a guy and you were married to me, but all in all, you were rather – attached to him, and you often seemed to enjoy his presence more than you would normally with other guys.”

“With other guys?”

“Oh, you know what I mean.” Myra appeared to be somewhat relieved to have this stuff off her chest. “Are you going to tell him now?”

“Aren’t you angry about that?”

“I’m angry because you didn’t really fight for our marriage, but went boozing instead. I’ve tried everything, and you just – didn’t do anything.”

Sebastian pressed his lips together. “You know how sorry I am.”

“I’ve heard that so often, but at least this time, you’re not drunk.” Another short silence. “But it’s too little and too late.”

That was something Sebastian knew for a while now, hence agreeing to the divorce. “Why did you never say anything about Joseph?”

“I don’t really know why. I probably was just certain that you wouldn’t cheat on me.” She smirked a bit, and even Sebastian could sense that. “Alright, I have to go now.”

“Can we meet next time?”

“Yes, but only after New Year’s, I’m going on vacation abroad with Mike.”

“Okay, then,” Sebastian sighed. “Call me when you’re ready. Have a good time over Christmas.”

“Thanks. I hope you have a good time with Joseph, too. And please, visit Lily’s grave.”

She hung up before Sebastian could react.

***

It had been the first time since Sebastian had talked with Myra since he had signed the divorce papers, and he was surprised how well this went. How easy he just took it that Myra drove away with her new guy –

Perhaps he was already looking forward to be with Joseph.

He stared at the glass of whiskey; Sebastian regretted to have it now, but he also didn’t want to throw it away.

While drinking it, Joseph appeared in the door: “Seb?”

“Yes?”

Joseph had an air of disappointment on his face, watching how Sebastian drank booze again.

“I’m done with the report,” he put on his coat, “you wanna have a look at it?”

“Maybe tomorrow.”

The younger detective stayed a bit indecisively at the door. “I was wondering, Seb, something for some time now - “

“Right, what’s on your mind?”

“What will you do on Christmas?”

That was something Sebastian had also contemplated about for the last few days; since he had taken care of sick Joseph, it had become rather agreeable to him to maybe spend it with a healthy Joseph - ? But that wouldn’t be possible.

“I guess I’ll take the Christmas shift. You’re going to Canada, I suppose?” he said in the end.

“You’re working the Christmas shift?” Joseph scratched his head, glancing sideways. “Are – are you sure?”

“What else is there to do?” He remembered Myra’s words some minutes ago to visit Lily’s grave, but not on Christmas. “I could stay at home and drink all day, but – I made a lot of progress lately.” Sebastian fumbled with his glass. “Well, except for _this_ now.”

“Oh, alright then.” Joseph licked his upper lip. “If you work on Christmas, I’ll work then, too.”

“What?!” Sebastian stood up. “Don’t worry about me, you just go see your parents, you never see them!”

Joseph smiled a bit sadly. “Yeah, well – I think they survive a year without me. I call them.”

“Don’t do that, please -” Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“It’s alright, you helped me when I was ill, so I’m glad to help out,” Joseph replied. “See you tomorrow.” And out of the office he was.

***

The past few days had been really weird for Joseph. After his fight with Sebastian while he had been ill, he had decided to talk to the department’s shrink about his problems, his life, Sebastian – though he hadn’t mentioned any names, or had come out. When he had told Myra about the psychologist, in a phone call before she would go into holidays, she actually admired him – if only Sebastian had ever thought of a therapy.

Despite the weirdness, he actually had felt good after the shrink’s session, and he hadn’t felt this good for years.

And then Sebastian had given him that strange kiss on his cheek -

Joseph had bought himself some dinner on the way home. After leaving the food in his kitchen, he dressed into his pajamas, and then seated himself in front of the TV, eating the wraps. While watching his favorite quiz show, Joseph thought about that he would have one more appointment with the psychologist before Christmas.

Sebastian was probably just lonely after he finally had divorced Myra. Joseph had often regretted that he had said to him about never having a relationship, and now he did even more – maybe Sebastian was really just pitying him.

Although – Joseph wasn’t the best in judging this, but the kiss hadn’t felt like being out of pity. Sebastian had kissed him rather tenderly… What if Sebastian only wanted to apologize with it for his past misdeeds, or maybe thank Joseph for helping him so often when drunk?

But again, wasn’t that a bit too much for an apology, or a thanks - ?

Sitting like this, Joseph also remembered what he had said to Sebastian during their fight. He wasn’t really sure how, or even if, he could change his life, although the therapist had encouraged his idea of a transfer.

The funny thing about this was that after a transfer, Joseph could actually be with Sebastian -

Just like the other day, when Sebastian was next to him on this couch when he was sick, Joseph’s body tensed out of embarrassment. There was no chance the older man was interested in guys, let alone in him - !

Well, at least Sebastian hadn’t judged him after telling his failures in dating – unlike his actual dates.

Except for that one fight during his illness -

With a heavy heart, he finished his meal, and watched the show till the end, before he went to bed to read some pages from the book ready on his night stand.


	10. Door 10

Some days later, on the 24th, they had a Christmas staff party at the department in the evening. Although there were some smaller cases going on – no murder or anything other grave, miraculously – and the officers had to be alert, they were chatting, drinking and exchanging some presents.

Sebastian was there, too, but he had taken some of the alcohol-free punch, stood in a corner and watched the others.

Especially Joseph.

And even more especially – Joseph’s behind… It wasn’t the first time Sebastian had noticed it, but like with many more other things, he would notice it more and more recently.

His partner was wearing an ugly, Christmas-themed sweater – as he had always done in the past years at this party – and appeared to have fun. After some chats and laughs Joseph also had a drink.

Their eyes met for a second when he looked over, and Joseph was about to move towards Sebastian, but Connelly intercepted, and began talking with him about something.

These parties usually went a different way, when Lily was still alive and Myra took part in them. And Joseph would always wear these silly sweaters, to make people laugh.

Mostly Sebastian.

Only now Sebastian realized, for all the years he knew the other man, this had been one of the few ways for Joseph to open up in front of others, to not wait for others to ‘entertain’ him, as Sebastian had stupidly accused him of -

“You’re a real party animal, huh?”

Startled, Sebastian found Juli standing next to him. “Totally,” he replied.

“Joseph seems to enjoy himself, right? He’s such a Christmas person.” Juli chuckled and took a sip of her drink.

“Yeah...” Sebastian sighed; he wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“Say,” Juli continued, “Joseph is single, I suppose? Has he ever introduced a girlfriend to you?”

Sebastian was quite taken aback by that unexpected question. “Ehm, no, he hasn’t,” he answered truthfully.

“Ah,” the woman nodded understandingly, “that confirms even more to me that he’s gay.”

Almost choking on his punch, Sebastian sputtered: “Why would you say that?”

“I don’t know – female intuition?”

“Don’t start me with that - !” Sebastian snorted.

“Would you have a problem with that? I mean, with Joseph being gay?”

_If only she knew._ Sebastian rolled his eyes. “No.”

“Really?” Juli quirked a brow.

“I don’t have a problem with Joseph being gay, if that’s really the case.” He nipped at his drink; it wasn’t his task to get Joseph out of the closet, against his will and without his knowledge. “But other cops might have a problem with it. _You_ should know that police work can often be very macho.”

“Sure, but I think it can be as difficult for gay men.”

Juli had a point in that. Sebastian couldn’t remember ever having an openly gay colleague. There had been a lesbian in the forensic team years ago, but that had been it.

“Haven’t you ever noticed anything?” Juli asked. “You know him longer than I.” She had started to work here some time after Lily’s death.

Sebastian drank the rest of his punch. “How should I notice _wh_ _at_?!” He still kept pretending that the younger man wasn’t what Juli had discovered. “Joseph – he just behaves like everybody else,” that came out more wrongly than intended, “only that he’s very private about his private life.”

Or there was hardly anything for Joseph to tell to others – Sebastian grasped the empty glass stronger in his fist than he wanted, recalling their fight about just that.

“But he trusts you,” Juli continued, “you even took care of him when he was ill.”

Not to mention that Joseph was one of the few people staying loyal to Sebastian due to his drinking.

Did he trust Sebastian? Well, Joseph had shared some very intimate things about him in the past weeks, but still -

He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not sure about that. A lot of things have happened since the fire -”

They remained like this for a while, not speaking, but both of them observing Joseph.

“Would _you_ have a problem with Joseph?” Sebastian asked back.

Putting her hand in front of her mouth, Juli chuckled. “No, I wouldn’t have. But I do hope that he finds someone nice - “

She winked at Sebastian, and hopped away to another colleague she suddenly was eager to speak with.

“The fuck - ?” was Sebastian’s reaction. Apparently, Juli already knew more than he liked her to know.


	11. Door 11

The Christmas party went on at different places of the department, since some of the officers and detectives, like Joseph and Sebastian, had to look after the on-going cases, and some just came back from their assignment. Apart from their talking during the cases, the two men didn’t exchange many words, both too tired to do so, and with the prospect of working the Christmas shift -

Early in the morning of the next day, Christmas, Joseph was the first to be back in the department. Sebastian followed a few minutes later.

Joseph sat down at his reports he hadn’t had managed to write yesterday due to the Christmas party. He watched Sebastian from the corner of his eye, how the older man prepared himself for the day in his office. Anxious about working the Christmas shift with Sebastian, Joseph hoped that he wouldn’t find out that it wasn’t the first time he worked this shift -

Finally, Sebastian stepped towards him. “Need any help?”

He turned slightly towards the other detective, but didn’t dare looking at him. “No, no, I’m just finishing some reports.”

“Then let me help you,” Sebastian proposed, “if we’re lucky, we won’t have much to do here anyway.”

Some colleagues entered the office, interrupting their conversation.

“Oda,” one of them came by, “good to see you again on Christmas, as always.”

The officer went to the next office, leaving a baffled Joseph and Sebastian behind.

“As always?” Sebastian inquired. “Why would he say that?”

_Fuck._ Joseph still avoided Sebastian’s eyes. “Oh, I – I don’t know.”

Frowning, Sebastian sensed that something was going on here. “Have you taken the Christmas shift at some point without telling me?”

“...Yes.”

“But – you always told me you’d stay with your parents during the holidays - ?”

Joseph sighed; how had he managed to _not_ avoid this conversation so quickly?!

“Well, I,” he hesitated, and laid his hands on his thighs under the desk, “I – I kinda – I actually took the Christmas shift since I came here to the department...”

“So, you – you lied to me about this?” Sebastian asked. “Why?”

Sighing again, Joseph tried to think of a reply, but couldn’t come up with one, and so only stared onto the screen in front of him.

“Jo,” Sebastian folded his arms, taking the burden of answering from Joseph, and he didn’t want him to feel as if on trial, “why did you lie to me all these years about going to your parents during Christmas?”

Joseph collected himself, but kept his slightly trembling fists on his thighs. “I – I’m not on good terms with my parents.”

“Wanna tell me the reason?”

_Because I’m gay._ “A – difference in opinion.”

Sebastian uncrossed his arms and came closer to his partner’s desk. “Okay, so you’re fighting with your parents. Why didn’t you tell me and Myra? You could have stayed with us during Christmas.”

“Christmas is celebrated with the family, and – I don’t have anyone to celebrate it with,” Joseph shrugged his shoulders. “I work every Christmas to not think about it, and so that no one else with a family must take that shift. It’s only fair that I stay here.”

This is how it had been for such a long time.

And it would never be any different -

There was some pressure on his shoulder; Sebastian had put his hand on it.

“You were Lily’s godfather,” Sebastian gently said, “you were always part of the family.”

“Oda? Castellanos?” The officer from earlier appeared again. “We have to take care of a family fight.”


	12. Door 12

The shift was unfortunately very exhausting. There was a fighting couple who disturbed their neighbors because they had too much eggnog, a burning Christmas tree, a mother-in-law beating up her son-in-law, as well as various burglaries because many people had gone some place else for the holidays.

“Holy shit, Christmas is the worst crime scene I’ve ever been,” Sebastian collapsed on a chair next to Joseph’s desk when they were back in their office. It was already almost 9 pm.

“Yeah, most exciting time of the year,” Joseph answered, plopping down on his chair and holding his shoulder; some grandpa had hit him with a frying pan. He then booted up his computer.

“I took this shift years ago, but it seems it gotten more brutal since then. So much for having a quiet time.” Sebastian dragged his chair closer to Joseph.

“What do you expect? Many family members come together forcefully to do nothing else than hate on each other,” Joseph let out a quiet, but sad laugh.

Sebastian lifted an eyebrow, almost wanting to comment on Joseph’s family situation, but he set it aside for another time.

“Hey,” Sebastian asked instead, “how’s your shoulder?”

“It’s – it’s okay. It’s not bleeding, just a minor impact.”

Gazing at Joseph who opened some files, the idea Sebastian had had during the day came back into his mind.

He clapped and rubbed his hands. “So, the next officers will come for the night shift. How about we grab some food and go home?”

“Hm? The reports have to be done, Seb.”

“It’s Christmas, Jo,” Sebastian grabbed the mouse so quickly that Joseph couldn’t react and shut the computer down, “they can wait. How about we go to my place?”

Visibly confused, Joseph turned towards Sebastian: “What? Why?”

“To – finally spend Christmas together?”

Joseph flinched at that. “Seb, I – I want to go home – _my_ home.”

“Come on, I don’t want to leave you alone on Christmas,” Sebastian pleaded, “and I have to admit, I don’t want to be alone either.”

Sebastian could literally see how it was working in Joseph’s mind. Joseph moved his head this way and that way, his hands clenching and un-clenching; no one had ever said something like this to him, and he had never thought that Sebastian would be the one to say this to him.

Maybe he should just take this opportunity to have a nice Christmas, at least this year, despite all the disasters that had happened during the last year -

“Alright, I’ll come with you,” he replied after much consideration. Better than leaving Sebastian alone on Christmas -

***

They had found a Chinese take-away restaurant that was still open, despite the late hour and the holiday. At least it was food Joseph liked. A small store near Sebastian’s place had also not closed, so Joseph bought a tooth-brush.

Sebastian had actually been very surprised how easy it had been to convince Joseph to come home with him. He didn’t have any ulterior motif, but was looking forward to have some nice and quiet hours with the other man.

Sitting down in Sebastian’s kitchen – which was still messy but appeared better than usually the past year, and so did the rest of the place – , they had their silent Christmas dinner.

After their meal, the two men settled in the living room, and Sebastian brought something back into their minds: “Let me see your shoulder.”

Joseph blinked. “Uhm -”

“Come on, the hit looked painful.”

Hesitantly, Joseph opened the vest he was usually wearing, but he only took the arm with the injury out. Slowly blushing, he also unbuttoned the shirt that he was wearing under the vest, again just unclothing the arm with the injured shoulder.

It wasn’t the first time Joseph did this; years ago, he had had a bruise on his side, and he had let Sebastian see that, and here in this room, too. But back then, Myra and Lily were around –

Not to mention all the things that had occurred the last weeks.

Sebastian sat next to him and examined the large bruise that started to take form on Joseph’s skin, but it didn’t look too bad. Again, he was a bit baffled that Joseph still trusted him so much after all he had done lately.

Perhaps Juli was right -

“Merry Christmas,” Sebastian grinned, “you’ve got yourself a bruise.”

Joseph actually had to chuckle a little at this.

Now, Sebastian touched the bruise slightly, laying his hand on the shoulder and rubbing his thumb gently over it. Joseph winced at little at first, but just let it happen and kept calm. The touch was rather comfortable, despite him not being used to this kind of treatment.

“I bring you some balm for that.” Sebastian stood up to go to the bathroom.

He returned with a tub in his hand. “You want me to help you? The spot looks difficult to reach.”

Joseph hesitated, but agreed in the end.

Cautiously, the older detective applied the balm on the shoulder, trying not to hurt Joseph anymore; it comforted Joseph a bit on the one hand, but also confused him about their situation. And he couldn’t remember the last time he had been touched like this –

When Sebastian finished, he stood up, brought the balm to the bath room, and then walked to the kitchen, while Joseph put his clothes back in order.

After a minute, he came back, serving them two bottles of beer.

“Let’s do this properly again,” Sebastian handed Joseph one bottle, “merry Christmas,” he clinked his bottle with Joseph’s.

“Yeah,” Joseph insecurely accepted the greeting, and answered: “Merry Christmas.” At first, Joseph looked skeptically at the bottle, but since it was already opened, he took a swig.

For some stupid reason, Myra and Sebastian had bought this huge couch with a corner to sit in when they moved into this flat. Sebastian had sat on the bigger part facing the TV set, while Joseph stayed on the shorter part, far away from the other man, especially after their rather intimate moment just now -

They sat there silently, sipping on their beers. Sebastian brooded about the last days and weeks with Joseph, but also about Myra, finally accepting her wishes for a new life. He also reminisced about taking care of Joseph when he was ill, and how nice it was in the end: about kissing him on the cheek, and taking care tonight on his bruise -

Sebastian leaned back on the couch, watching Joseph while drinking his own beer. He should do something about their situation.

He should go forward with Joseph –

“So,” Sebastian started, “you didn’t tell me why you’re arguing with your parents.”

Joseph let the bottle sink for a moment. “I don’t really know if I should tell you.”

The older detective had a suspicion: “Is it because – you’re more interested in men than women?”

The young man turned his face towards Sebastian, eyes wide open.

He quickly watched in front of him again. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

For a second, Sebastian pondered. “Jo, I’d be a terrible detective if I wouldn’t notice something like that. You never introduced a girlfriend to us, so I just assumed -”

“I told you why I never introduced anyone to you - ” Joseph’s grip on the bottle tensed.

“Yeah, I know, but still – you never said that you were dating someone, so I thought you didn’t want to tell because you dated guys.” Sebastian placed his bottle on the coffee table, leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs. “I can understand that you don’t want to talk about this in the precinct, but – come on, we know each other for such a long time. “

With a loud thump, Joseph also set the bottle on the table, crossing his arms. He shouldn’t be so surprised that Sebastian found out _that_ about him, but it still frightened him –

“Jo,” Sebastian tried it again, “there’s nothing that would make you look or be any less in my eyes. You’ve always been a great friend and colleague, and,” he took a deep breath, “I guess I should have told you more often instead of taking you for granted, or treat you like shit.”

Joseph still remained quiet, though Sebastian could see his jaw working. Did Sebastian know - ?

Sebastian continued: “And don’t you think that when I noticed it, by now, I would have told you that I mind?”

It appeared that these words had an effect on Joseph: he relaxed a bit, and let his hands slowly down to let them rest on his thighs, but he was kind of lost. Perhaps he could - ?

“Joseph, please talk to me,” Sebastian asked.

The addressed one folded and unfolded his hands. “Yeah. Yeah, I like men, if that’s what you wanna hear -”

“So – no interest in women at all?”

“No.” Joseph still stared at the bottle in front of him.

Smiling a bit, Sebastian hid his mouth with a gesture towards his face so that Joseph wouldn’t notice it; it was almost comical to witness Joseph so stubborn like this, since Sebastian had never seen this behavior on him.

He sat back again. “Okay. So, for how many years haven’t you seen your parents now?”

“For – last time I saw them was when I was in college, when I was 23.”

“Damn. That’s 12 years.”

After some time, Joseph said: “I always hoped that I could introduce someone nice to them, and that they would accept – everything then.”

He stopped himself from talking any further, surprised by telling Sebastian these personal things.

Oddly, Sebastian blushed a little at this; that was also a lot of pressure for any potential boyfriend of Joseph’s.

The younger man bowed forward, hiding his face with his hands. “I shouldn’t have come here.” He let his hands down, and wanted to get up. “I should go home now -”

Sebastian stood up, waving both his hands towards Joseph. “No, it’s too late now, and it’s too cold outside anyway. You can crash here, I’ll get you some blankets.”


	13. Door 13

Their shift t he next day was going on patrol; Sebastian and Joseph drove through a usually nasty neighborhood, but thanks to the  ever-falling  snow, everything seemed to be rather quiet. Even crooks didn’t like to run their daily errands in this weather.

Sebastian was taking care of the steering wheel, while Joseph next to him watched attentively out of his side window, watching the snowflakes fall to the ground.

The older detective glanced every now and then at his partner, wondering what was going through Joseph’s mind -

Joseph hadn’t slept well on Sebastian’s couch, his thoughts circling and circling in his head almost the entire night. What would happen now? There was much reason for Sebastian to know that Joseph was in love with him.

But despite the nervousness Joseph felt, there was at least some relief that he had finally come out to someone – that wasn’t his parents, or the department’s psychologist, as he had done so during their last session.

“Aren’t you,” Joseph began, still staring out of the window, “disgusted or anything by me?”

Taken by surprise by that question, Sebastian blinked a few times. “What – you mean because you’re gay?!”

“Yes.”

If Joseph only knew - “I couldn’t care less about these things.”

Hesitatingly, Joseph turned towards Sebastian. “I’d never expected for you to be so – tolerant.”

“Really? Why?”

Joseph shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. You don’t seem the type.”

Now Sebastian furrowed his brows. “What type do I seem?”

A bit embarrassed, Joseph looked out of the car’s side window again. “That probably sounded stupid – but you appeared to be the more – conservative type.”

“What, because I was married with a woman and had a child with her?”

“Well – a lot of people are tolerant, when the things they are tolerant about are far away from them, but as soon as they are close to them – that’s how I see it at least.“

“Shit, Joseph,” Sebastian had to give a small laughter a that, “like I said, I don’t care about these things. If that’s what floats your boat, then that’s how it is.”

That was a horribly cheesy way to say it, but Joseph nevertheless smiled a bit in relief.

***

For the evening, they decided to stay at Joseph’s place, and Sebastian would probably sleep on the couch than rather go back to his own place.

And this time, Sebastian got himself a tooth brush.

The younger detective still had food supplies at home, so he wanted to cook dinner for them. The shift this time fortunately hadn’t been too demanding – almost boring – , so they still had energy left to prepare food.

Joseph was quite an able chef, too; he often had babysat Lily, and the little girl had reported to her father what nice meals her godfather had made for her. During his sickness, he hadn’t really an opportunity to cook for Sebastian, except for a breakfast or so.

This time, Joseph cooked them a lasagna, his very own special recipe, with spinach, carrots and salmon. As weird as it sounded, Lily had always liked it. Sebastian helped with cutting the carrots and taking care of the lasagna layers.

It almost felt like a date, both for Sebastian and Joseph, though none of them was aware the other man thought like this – it nevertheless created a relaxed atmosphere for the two, a welcome change to how it was for months now. Sebastian had also gotten rid of his vest and tie.

They had their dinner in the kitchen, not talking much, although Sebastian tried to show his appreciation for the meal as often as possible.

Since it was already late, they went to bed. Around 11 pm, Joseph went to his room, but came back with some blankets for Sebastian, before he finally retreated to his own bed; their Christmas shift wasn’t over yet, it would continue for some more days, and then they would get some free time for New Year’s.

Sebastian laid down on the couch, and tried for about an hour to get some sleep; instead of this, he turned and twisted on his so-called bed. He remembered how bad his back was when he looked after sick Joseph.

Huffing, he threw the blankets off of himself. It was probably a terrible idea, but how else was he supposed to get some sleep - ?

He sneaked into Joseph’s bedroom. The other man had slumbered away, lying on one of the edges of the mattress. Sebastian sat down at the opposite side of Joseph.

Joseph woke up by the weight shifting on his bed.

“Seb?!” he guessed right, more than surprise in his voice. “What are you doing here?”

“Come on, Jo,” the older man replied, “I can’t sleep on your couch, it almost killed my back the last times I slept there.” He laid down and drew the blankets over him. “And no, I don’t mind sharing a bed with a gay guy, so don’t start me with that.”

“O-okay,”Joseph stuttered.

***

After some minutes, Sebastian just snored away peacefully, while Joseph was torn between confusion and his feelings for the other man: his back turned to Sebastian, his eyes were wide open, and he pulled his blanket as close as possible to his body.

And it wasn’t just Sebastian who made Joseph’s body feel on edge; it all brought his failures with his – never happened – relationships back into his consciousness. Joseph would manage most of the time to suppress these bad feelings, but it had become more and more difficult for the last weeks -

Joseph had never been like this with anyone, had never shared a bed like this – and felt ashamed because of it, even more since he was here with Sebastian.

Not to mention the one time he already had had a situation like this with Sebastian, when he was ill – Joseph could only hope that he hadn’t behaved like a complete idiot, although Sebastian hadn’t said anything -

The shame grew bigger, tying a knot in Joseph’s chest – because it was also so nice to have Sebastian this close, lying in the same bed with him…

Of all people, it had to be Sebastian the first one to do this.

He huddled even more into his blankets, closed his eyes and tried to find some thoughts that would distract him from being in this situation and get him some sleep.


	14. Door 14

The third day of their Christmas shift went fortunately rather quiet; some more police officers were already back from their vacations, and in the morning, they had to take care of a burglary, but now in the afternoon they looked after some long-awaiting reports.

Joseph constantly yawned while typing away at his desk; Sebastian brought him some coffee.

“You’re like this the whole day,” he remarked.

“I haven’t slept the last two nights very well.”

“I guess because of,” Sebastian glanced around, “what we discussed?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian frowned. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Or at least not that much.”

Without responding, Joseph just continued typing; Sebastian stayed there for some moments, watching him.

Confused, the younger detective asked: “Is there another case or what?”

“Well, no – just wanted to ask if you have any plans for tonight?” Sebastian replied, rubbing his neck.

“Nothing special,” Joseph listened up, “what do you want to do?”

“How about – you’d like to stay at my place again?” Sebastian asked cautiously. “I know Christmas is over, but I could cook something for us this time.”

“What do you want to cook?”

“Oh, I’ll think up of something. I still have some stuff at home.”

Joseph looked at Sebastian for some moments. “Guess I don’t have anything better to do,” he finally sighed. “At least your couch is better for sleeping than mine.”

***

Just as Sebastian had told, he cooked dinner for them; he had stocked up before Christmas, but the day before yesterday, he hadn’t had the energy to prepare food. For dinner, he made them penne with chicken; it was something different, but tasted very well.

They decided to watch a film after their meal, sitting next to each other on the big couch, and due to the lack of a proper program, they had to stay at one of the last Christmas movies.

At least the film was better than they thought and a bit entertaining, and it was almost like back then when Joseph was sick.

“You know,” Sebastian started after the film ended, “I’m really glad that we could spent Christmas together, even if it wasn’t under very good circumstances.”

Joseph’s cheeks tinted a bit. “What would you have done – without me?” It was weird that he seemed so important to Sebastian.

“Boozing, I guess,” Sebastian replied truthfully.

“I’m really tired,” Joseph said, not knowing what to answer, bowing forward to take his glasses down and rub one of his eyes.

“Yeah, me too,” Sebastian yawned and stretched his arms. “Where do you want to sleep?”

Joseph faced Sebastian, scrunching up his face. “On the couch, where else?!”

Sebastian avoided Joseph’s eyes and smiled a bit shyly. “Well, I slept in your bed last night, so it would only be fair if you’d slept in mine. It’s also bigger than yours, and more comfortable than the couch, we still have some shifts to go.”

_I’ve always dreamed of Sebastian asking me – inviting me to bed - !_ Joseph crossed his arms in confusion and embarrassment, blushing almost madly. “No, thanks, I sleep here on the couch.”

“Okay,” Sebastian got up, noticing that this had been too much for Joseph, “but come over whenever you like, if you change your mind. I’ll bring you your blankets.”

***

Joseph lied on his back on the couch, not able to close his eyes – which was bad, since they would have to get up early.

What has that invitation to the bed from Sebastian been? The other man was way too relaxed around Joseph since he had outed himself to him. Shouldn’t Sebastian know by now what was going on with Joseph’s feelings for him - ?!

He threw the blankets off and sat up, setting his feet on the floor; after some moments, he put his glasses back on and got up to go to the bath room.

On the way to the bath, Joseph had to pass the bed room. The door stood a little ajar, as he noticed in surprise, and decided to take a peek afterwards.

After sneaking up to the door, he wasn’t really able to see much; some street light was coming through the window pane, but Sebastian wasn’t in his view.

Joseph put his palm on the door, pushing it slightly so as to open the door a bit more as quietly as possible -

“Joseph?” Sebastian grumbled.

Exhaling, Joseph opened the door and got into its frame; so much about quiet. The older detective was turned towards Joseph, lying on the bed side further away from the door.

“You’re not asleep,” he remarked.

Sebastian smirked. “Neither are you. Wanna come in here?”

“Why – why would you let me sleep in your bed?”

“I told you why.”

“There’s really something wrong with you lately, Seb.”

“You only figured that out now?”

“You’re pitying me, right?”

Sebastian shifted. “Hop in here, you idiot, or you catch another cold.” The blanket was big enough for both of them, so he pulled it up on the empty side for Joseph, revealing that he was wearing some sort of pajama with long pants and a short-sleeved shirt.

Joseph had actually been quivering a bit since he had gotten up from the couch, without his vest, shoes and gloves, but now warmed up due to Sebastian’s renewed invitation. He didn’t want to follow it, but his legs automatically went to the bed, as if in hope that something good might happen tonight, thanks to Sebastian’s resoluteness; he was also too fascinated by seeing Sebastian like this. Sure, Joseph had seen him in casual clothes, or in an utterly drunk and dirty state, but never in such a cozy and intimate way -

_I’m dreaming, this can’t be happening._

When Joseph reached the bed’s edge, he hesitated, something crossing his mind. “Is this Myra’s side?”

“Ah, no,” Sebastian blinked, “I’m lying on her side.”

He kind of regretted saying that; shortly after Myra had left him, he had moved to her side, still missing her so much -

But changing now would also be weird – Joseph in Myra’s place?

The younger man didn’t mind that, took his glasses off to the night stand and crawled into the bed, drawing the blanket over himself; he turned his back towards Sebastian, feeling awkward not just sharing a bed with him, but also sharing the big blanket -

Sebastian looked at the back of Joseph’s head, watching how he breathed. He would have liked to talk a bit with Joseph, but decided otherwise: “Good night, Jo.”

“Yeah,” Joseph sighed, “good night.”

***

Despite their good-nights, both had problems sleeping. While Joseph almost tossed around for an hour, Sebastian just laid on his back, focusing on the ceiling.

“Still can’t sleep?” he inquired unnecessarily.

Joseph finally calmed down. “Sorry if I keep you up.”

“Well, let’s just say that I’m not used anymore to have someone in this bed.”

“Oh,” Joseph reacted, remembering again that he himself had never done that much before recently. “You – you’re missing Myra, I guess.”

Sebastian hadn’t expected that kind of reply. “I – I guess I do.” _Shit, I shouldn’t have said that._ “But – I know that she won’t come back.”

He had to change the topic. “Say, how was your date? The last one you had, I mean?” he suddenly asked.

“Shouldn’t we sleep?” was the reply. “What a weird question to ask, at this time.”

“You were looking after Lily when Myra and I went out,” Sebastian gulped, “so why aren’t you telling me? Maybe chatting tires us a bit.”

Joseph thought for some moments, his chest constricting a bit at the memory of his last date.

At first he didn’t want to answer. “You mean the actual date or the – person?” he finally said.

“The person.”

Again, Joseph needed some seconds. “It – it was nice for a while.”

The first dates had went well, as often, so that Joseph had dared to speak about his past with no relationships so far -

“ - But then, the other – side lost interest.”

Joseph sighed. _You’re not normal. You’re a freak of nature. You’re a failure._ The se had been the usual reactions to Joseph’s confession. His last date hadn’t been any different.

“Maybe you could start dating again.”

“I’m not in the mood for dating, not at the moment.”

“Hmm,” Sebastian harrumphed, “where would you actually go for dating?”

“Uhm, well,” Joseph blushed, “there are – night clubs where I can go.”

“Night clubs? _You_ are going to night clubs?!”

“There aren’t many places I can find guys.” Joseph felt uncomfortable to talk with Sebastian about this. In fact, it was the first time he would talk about this to anyone -

“Ah, yes, you also go to a bar like the _Riant Sailor_ , I forgot. Maybe we can go there tomorrow, if it’s open.”

“Yeah, maybe we could.”

***

Their chat faded slowly away until they both fell asleep, though Joseph did so rather uneasily.

He woke up again after some light sleep, startling when he noticed that he was rather close to Sebastian, turned towards him; the older man was lying on his side, facing Joseph.

Unsure where to look at – down was Sebastian’s chest, up was his face, and both made Joseph nervous – , Joseph was about to turn around.

But since Joseph wasn’t wearing his glasses, he hadn’t seen that Sebastian’s eyes had been slightly open; Sebastian suddenly moved, grumbling something, and grabbed the younger man to close him into his arms.

“What – what are you doing?!” Joseph exclaimed.

Sebastian had tucked Joseph’s head under his chin, and Joseph, with tensed muscles, had his lower arms clamped between his own and Sebastian’s chest, trapped like an animal in this embrace.

“Nothing.” Sebastian drew their blanket closer to them to keep them warm. “Just let me hold you for a while.” He still sounded sleepy.

_Nothing!_ Joseph’s body tensed even more. _This is nothing to him - !_

“Why are you doing this?!” he asked.

Sebastian didn’t answer, but woke up to this question.

_Damn_ _, I’m not dreaming – I’m really holding Joseph…_

They stayed like this for a while, both unsure what to do next, although Sebastian enjoyed the closeness; he hadn’t been like this since – well, the time Joseph was sick didn’t count – having Myra in his arms, when they had heard that their daughter had died. Joseph felt dizzy and numb from being wrapped like this, from Sebastian’s waning aftershave, the cigarette smoke, the sweat and the beer from dinner. He had never been this close with anyone, and now it had to be Sebastian - ! Was he supposed to do something..?

“It’s a bit odd for me to do this,” the older detective tried to relax the situation a bit, “but I’m not really good at talking.”

And it was great to hold Joseph like this – actually better than he thought. Sebastian was missing this kind of intimacy -

Oh, well, now was a good time as any.

“You didn’t answer my question earlier,” Joseph noted, “are you pitying me?”

Instead of answering, Sebastian began to gently stroke the younger man’s back, “Jo”, he then said, “you’re a good friend. You’re loyal, honest and reliable, and I probably should have told you this more often. And you opened up a bit more, at least lately, which I actually liked.”

Joseph didn’t dare to breath, too curious to hear what Sebastian had to say.

“I just wish,” Sebastian continued, “you would have found someone, instead of being stuck with me -”

As soon as Sebastian had that out, Joseph wished the ground underneath him would open to swallow him whole; his eyesight turned blurry, and his head began to swim. Even the sounds reaching his hears were kind of muffled.

_He knows – oh god, he knows - !_ Joseph curled more up on himself.

Though always hoping that this would never come out, it had been clear that this would happen at some point, but Joseph hadn’t imagined that it would happen like _this_ \- !

Sebastian could anticipate what would come now. “You know that I know, right?”

Joseph began to tremble. “What are you going to do now?” He didn’t manage to look Sebastian in his face.

The addressed one hesitated. “What do you want me to do?”

In the end, Joseph stared up in surprise. “What _I_ want _you_ to do?!”

Sebastian looked down to him, and the street light from outside was enough for him to let his eyes roam over Joseph’s face...

The fearful expression, the fine wrinkles, the red lips were just too much for him: He cupped the back of Joseph’s head in his hand and pushed it up -

He kissed Joseph on his mouth; it was a very tender kiss, and Joseph’s lips were oh so soft -

Joseph was confused. At first, he was shocked by this – then he gave in – then he realized whom he was kissing -

With all his might, he wrung himself out of the embrace, moved away from Sebastian and showed him his back.

“You’re doing this because of Myra,” Joseph remarked, “she just left you some time ago, and you’re lonely.”

Sebastian was still perplexed by Joseph’s act. “What?!”

“You’re using me!”

The other man had to recollect himself to understand; he sat up and bowed forward, trying to look Joseph in his face. “Jeez, Joseph – I know that I abused and mistreated you in the past, but never in _this_ way!”

“ _Then why are you doing this?!_ ”

Sighing, Sebastian sat back again. “Can’t you think of the reason?”

Joseph thought for some moments; yes, Sebastian surely liked him, but -

He got up and sat on the edge of the mattress. “Now you’re mocking me!” He stood up and walked towards the door.

Sebastian now quickly switched on his lamp on the night stand, throwing his blanket off. “Is this what you do when someone tries to get close to you?”

Joseph slowly moved his head towards the bed, a glare on his face.

“ _You have no idea - !_ ” He looked away again, shrugging his shoulders up.

_I should just go -_

But his legs weren’t moving; having seen Sebastian wearing his pajamas, a grey top with black pants, was unnerving and calming him at the same time.

The older man finally placed himself at the edge of the bed, setting his feet on the floor. “This isn’t easy for me either,” Sebastian remarked.

They stayed like this for some moments, none of them knowing what to do.

Sebastian then screwed up some courage and got up; he grabbed Joseph’s shoulders and directed him back to the bed.

“Just sleep here, okay?” he pleaded, gently forcing Joseph to lay down. “I won’t do anything, just stay here.”

Joseph went back to turning away from Sebastian in the bed, while the other detective pulled the duvet and blankets over them, to then lie on his back on his side of the bed.

He stared up to the dark ceiling again; maybe he should say something.

“Like I said, it’s not easy for me either,” Sebastian began, “I’m often enough asking myself, how I could fall for a guy - “

“Like _I_ said,” Joseph gritted through his teeth, “you’re lonely, and I’m probably just a convenience, now that you know that I like guys. That’s why you also gave me that weird kiss on the cheek some days ago.”

“That’s,” Sebastian gulped, not used to being talked back by his detective partner like this, “that’s not how it is. You were – you became important to me when I was still married with Myra.”

Joseph hesitated to reply; in the past, Sebastian had tried to show his appreciation for him, often clumsily since he wasn’t good with words.

And although Sebastian would lie during their investigations, justifying it by getting the crooks – he was always honest about his feelings, though that was more due to his impulsiveness; and Joseph also understood that Sebastian had problems talking about these, too -

So, was this the closest what Joseph could get to a love confession - ?

What was he supposed to do now? The whole situation was just so unreal -

“Yes, I’m still confused about myself,” Sebastian continued since Joseph kept quiet, “I still miss Myra, but I also know I can’t have her back.”

Again, Joseph didn’t say anything.

“I just don’t understand why – why you chose me,” Sebastian wondered.

Joseph snorted. “I didn’t really _choose_ you.”

“Yeah, you know what I mean. I don’t understand why you want to be with me after all the things I’ve done to you, with the boozing and the yelling. Not to mention that I was married.”

No answer.

“And I haven’t told you about me because – well, you can guess how I felt the last year.” Sebastian exhaled. “I also didn’t want to look like – as if I was your savior or something of that sort, after you told me that you haven’t been in a relationship.”

The younger man pulled the duvet closer around him. “But, if you want to – be with me,” Joseph couldn’t believe that, “you would be like a savior to me, in that aspect.”

“Ooph,” was Sebastian’ s answer. “Don’t talk like that - “

“Seb,” Joseph’s head began to ache, “please, I just want to sleep.”

The addressed one gave in, sighing quietly. “Alright, alright, let’s talk about this another time.”


	15. Door 15

The next morning, both woke up rather groggy and fatigued.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Sebastian asked.

Joseph still rubbed one of his eyes, then put his glasses back on. “I’ve seen some oat flakes in your cupboard yesterday.”

“Ah, yes.” Sebastian had learned to appreciate Joseph’s oat meals when the younger man had been ill; Joseph would make them breakfast every now and then during that time.

He let Joseph help himself to the flakes, cinnamon, some milk and an apple, preparing them in two bowls. In the meantime, Sebastian made them coffee.

They then sat down at the kitchen table; Joseph focused on the oat meal, still tensing at the thought of what happened last night.

While munching away, Sebastian observed Joseph a little: he realized how Joseph slowly began to change him in his habits; on his own, he would have a hearty breakfast, usually with eggs. Myra had been the one who had introduced him to some healthier eating, and now Joseph was doing the same…

Sebastian let his spoon sink; he suddenly wasn’t in the mood for eating anymore.

“I thought you wouldn’t stay till the morning,” he started.

Joseph gulped some oats down. “I was too tired to get up earlier and go away.”

“Guess you don’t want to go to have a drink later?” Sebastian drank some of his coffee.

“At the _Riant Sailor_?”

“Yeah.”

Hesitating for a moment, Joseph then let his spoon sink, and avoided to look up at Sebastian. “Does that mean – you’d stay again at my place?”

Sipping the coffee, Sebastian glanced at Joseph over his mug. “Would you like that?”

The younger detective kept staring at his food; he stayed like this for some seconds, pressing his lips together.

Apparently, he wouldn’t give an answer, so Sebastian relieved him from doing so: “Maybe you can think of it until the evening.”

***

This time, their shift was a little bit more demanding, giving them two recent cases of burglaries to look after. Juli had also come back from her holidays, assisting them.

So, this year, Joseph probably would have had a lot of trouble keeping his secret Christmas shift away from Sebastian -

“How come I never heard from anyone that you were working the Christmas shift?” Sebastian asked when he and Joseph were out of Juli’s earshot.

“Oh, well,” Joseph scratched the back of his head. “I asked Connelly and some others to not tell you. When they asked why, I just told them you didn’t need to know. They never didn’t ask any further, surprisingly.”

“That probably wouldn’t have worked with Juli though.” Sebastian also remembered that he usually talked with Joseph about his holidays with his parents when they had been alone, for no particular reason, so no one actually had heard them chat about this.

Joseph turned his head to Juli who was talking with another officer. “Ah, shoot, I totally forgot about her. I didn’t know she’d come back so soon.”

“What would you have done about her?”

“I – I don’t know...” Joseph looked down in a beat way.

Again, Sebastian tried to get him out of this uncomfortable situation. “So, have you decided if we can have a drink later?”

That probably wasn’t the best change of topic; Joseph sighed, and directed his gaze here and there on the ground.

But at least he had the courage to answer now: “Yeah, okay, we can have a drink - “

“And what about your place? I mean, I don’t have to stay, if you don’t want to.”

At first, it seemed as if Joseph wouldn’t reply.

“No,” he then said, “it’s okay if you stay tonight.”

***

The evening in the _Riant Sailor_ had been mediocre, to say the least. Each of them had only a beer, after Sebastian had forbidden Joseph to get another Moose drink.

They had sat down in one of the cozy booths with the brown leather seats; Joseph nipped at his beer, focusing a bit too much at it, while Sebastian kept watching him, not even trying to start a conversation.

On their way to Joseph’s home, Sebastian couldn’t hold back any longer: “Is this how your dates went?”

“Ah – well,” Joseph blushed, never having thought that this was supposed to be a date, “I’m just really exhausted.”

Sebastian immediately wanted to bit his own tongue; as if he hadn’t done enough to the other man, now he had expected to be sort of entertained by him -

“That probably came out wrong,” he apologized indirectly, “but I was wondering, how a date with you would be like, for the other guy, I mean.”

“Why do you want to know that?”

“I don’t know,” Sebastian shrugged, “I’m just curious.”

Joseph looked down onto the concrete in front of him. “I can’t really remember, I guess, it seems like a lifetime ago.” How was he supposed to explain himself with these other guys - ?

Not to mention that he just didn’t want to talk about it with Sebastian; it felt so stupid to do so.

There had never been anyone he had talked about these things -

Sebastian sighed; perhaps being with Joseph would be more difficult than he had thought.

***

After arriving at Joseph’s apartment, they took their coats off.

“I’d like to watch some TV,” Joseph announced, hanging his coat on the hook.

“Something special on?”

“No, just the late news. I usually watch them.” He paused. “Or would you like to watch something else?”

“News are fine,” Sebastian smirked a bit at this ‘typical’ behavior of Joseph, “I usually just switch through the channels and stay at what’s most interesting.”

“Ah, okay,” Joseph shyly went past Sebastian, “you just sit down then, I’ll get us something to drink.”

Sebastian again smirked to himself, and did as told. He sat down in one corner of the couch in front of the TV, waiting for Joseph.

Joseph returned with what seemed to be beer bottles, setting one on the coffee table in front of Sebastian.

The older detective frowned. “You still wanna drink?”

“It’s malt beer. I thought I should start replacing the actual thing.” Joseph seated himself on the other end of the couch, and took a sip.

Rolling his eyes, Sebastian tried to think of a way to talk about the elephant in the room, while Joseph put the news on, anxious about that elephant -

“Jo,” Sebastian finally began, patting the place on his side, “come on, sit a bit closer, I won’t bite.”

The addressed one moved his head towards Sebastian; only now he noticed that the other man hadn’t been wearing his tie and vest during the day, just a simple white shirt. Joseph himself still had his vest and tie on, although a bit untidy now. How come he hadn’t seen that?

Hesitantly, Joseph slid closer to Sebastian, but still kept a hand-width of distance; he actually wanted to be closer to him, but still -

Sebastian propped his elbow on the couch’s arm to put his head into his hand’s palm. “I wonder,” he said, “do you actually want to be with me? You surely don’t behave like you want to.”

A bit taken aback by that directness, Joseph just kept staring at the TV for a while.

“I, uh,” he finally fumbled with his answer, “I – I don’t know.”

“But,” Sebastian sounded a little disappointed, “I thought you were,“ now he fumbled with the words, “I thought you kinda – fell for me?”

For some moments, Joseph had to ponder, then he decided to go with the most brutally honest answer: “You know, I used to have these fantasies about us,” he continued gazing onto the screen, not having cared about the news since he had turned them on, “how we would live together,” he thought it better to not mention Lily here, “and that’s what they were, fantasies. I never thought they would come close to become true in any way.”

“Huh,” Sebastian huffed, a bit surprised by this sort of intimacy from Joseph. He was flattered, but also kind of uncomfortable that someone would fantasize about him like this.

He probably also had had other fantasies about him -

“I don’t know how these things work,” Joseph continued, “do _you_ want to be with me?”

“Well, I,” Sebastian widened his eyes, “I have thought about it,” he glanced shortly at Joseph, “but I’ve also never been with a man, so we’re even in this point.”

A short and sad laughter escaped from Joseph.

“And not to mention the sex stuff,” Sebastian actually blushed a bit amused, “you have to teach me a few things here.”

“Oh,” Joseph’s body began tensing, “well...” He took a swig of his malt beer.

Sebastian noticed Joseph’s trembling hand holding the bottle. “We don’t have to rush it, though.”

“Uh-huh,” Joseph grumbled after letting the bottle down, gazing down at the coffee table, feeling uncomfortably warm.

The older detective frowned; it was clear to him for long now that Joseph didn’t like these topics, but hadn’t there always been something – off about it - ?

But how could he put it into words?

In the end, he put his large hand on Joseph’s shoulder, who startled: “Jo, did one of these guys who rejected you – do something to you? Like – hurt you physically?”

“What?” Joseph needed a second to process this question. “No, no, nothing of that sort!”

“That’s – good to hear I guess,” Sebastian put his hand away. “But there was still some kind of humiliation from the other guys, I assume?”

Joseph pressed his lips together; he gulped at the thought that Sebastian worried about him like this -

“Wanna talk about it?” Sebastian inquired, drinking from his malt beer.

The younger man didn’t really know were to start; this was usually the part where the humiliation would begin -

“I don’t think I can teach you anything,” he uttered, loosening his tie a bit more, “in bed, I mean.”

“Oh, okay – again, we don’t have to rush it.”

“No, that’s not – that’s not what I mean.” Joseph rested his hands on his knees. “I told you that I never had a relationship, because I told the other guy I never had one. Maybe I didn’t explain it to you right,” he turned slightly towards Sebastian, “I didn’t lie, I just didn’t know how to -”

“Yes, it’s alright, don’t mention it,” Sebastian waved it off.

“Well, anyway – not all the guys left when I told them I’ve never had a relationship, some of them stayed.”

“Okay.”

“And these guys would usually leave when,” Joseph inhaled, closing his eyes and folding his arms, “well, since I never had a relationship,” he opened his eyes again, glancing sideways, “certain other things,” his voice went quieter, “also never happened...”

Sebastian at first hadn’t understood what Joseph had said due to the low voice, but then asked: “What never happened?”

Joseph avoided Sebastian’s eyes, fixing his gaze on the bottle in front of him.

Slowly, it dawned upon Sebastian. “You mean,” how should he word it, “you never had sex?”

The younger man didn’t reply, but instead waited for Sebastian laughing at him, and running out on him -

Instead of that, Sebastian stared at him in disbelief, not sure what to do; learning more about Joseph became sadder every time.

Finally finding his wits again, Sebastian scrunched up his face: “How can you stand that?!”

Sighing – in a bit of surprise – Joseph let his hands sink into his lap. That was a good question; of course there was the internet, his fantasy, and his own hands -

“No, wait,” Sebastian groaned, “I think I know the answer to that.”

They sat there for some time, the silence tense between them.

Joseph had missed that train so many years ago, in his youth, he shouldn’t try to catch it now, in his thirties. It was just too late for this -

He then found the courage to break the silence: “I’m sorry, I – I have nothing to offer to you.”

That was it; Sebastian had enough of this self-deprecating, so he grabbed Joseph’s further away shoulder, and pulled him closer to himself, in a rather rough embrace, still leaning on the couch’s arm.

“You’ve already offered me so much,” he explained, “but I always took it for granted.”

The other man froze, waiting for Sebastian’s next move, his gaze almost piercing the TV screen in shock. It was as if he was watching a movie, but was in it at the same time...

“I just don’t understand what I’m offering you to fall for me,” Sebastian kept going. “I treated you like shit the last year, with all the drinking and yelling at you, and I didn’t even look after you properly before that – I’m often enough drunk, in a foul mood, or just plain difficult, so I don’t envy anyone who – for some weird reason – actually falls for me. I still don’t understand how Myra had married me. And I also don’t understand why you stayed here with me.”

No reaction from Joseph, for quite a while; but then, he relaxed a little in their weird position, and said: “You’re offering me _this_ here, right now.”

***

For a while, they stayed like this, both tired and overwhelmed with everything, not really able to talk much; when Joseph started to get cold and shiver, they wanted to finally retire to bed.

“Where do you want to sleep?” Joseph asked.

“Where do you want me to sleep? You – want me to sleep in your bed?”

Joseph rubbed one of his eyes. “I let you decide – I’m not really capable to do so at the moment.” He stood up, kind of scared by Sebastian’s decision, no matter what it would be.

Sebastian gave it some long thought; he wanted to stay in Joseph’s bed, not only because of his back, but watching Joseph’s reaction -

In the end, he followed Joseph to his bedroom.

***

They still had to do their ablutions, though; Sebastian gave Joseph some time to change into his pajamas – dark grey pants and a long-sleeved top in the same color, in which he looked rather cute – in his bedroom, while brushing his teeth in the bathroom. He himself didn’t have any pajamas, but only took his belt off, since it was rather uncomfortable when lying down.

Both in bed, Joseph turned his back towards Sebastian, who was turned towards him.

“Is there something I can do?” Sebastian whispered. “Maybe just hold you.”

Joseph snuggled a bit more into the duvet. “No – no, I’m tired.”

“Okay,” Sebastian gently stroke Joseph’s injured shoulder. “Only tomorrow, and then we have some days off.” Unless something in their job would come up.

“Uh-huh,” Joseph hummed, and moved further away from Sebastian.


	16. Door 16

The last day before their own supposed holidays, it appeared as if the worst of Krimson City began to crawl out of the holes in which it had been hiding during Christmas. Some robberies and drug incidents came up, but fortunately no murder, so Joseph and Sebastian where able to get some free time.

When both exited the precinct in the evening, Joseph looked around, making sure that no one else was around. “Seb?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you – I was wondering, if would you stay at my place tonight?”

Sebastian blinked; they hadn’t established _that_ matter until now, having forgotten about it due to their workload.

“Yes, if you want to,” he replied.

“I – I don’t know how far we will go -”

“Don’t worry,” Sebastian had to smile a bit, “let’s just have a nice evening. What about dinner?”

Joseph looked at him for a second. “I still have to do some groceries.”

“Okay,” Sebastian concluded, and they both walked to Joseph’s car.

***

The young man cooked them some rice and vegetables; he had something special in mind for New Year’s Eve; that’s why he had bought this rather expensive bottle of champagne from the money Sebastian had given him for the whiskey. He wanted to share some special moments with Sebastian -

Although he wasn’t even sure if Sebastian would even stay this long.

After a rather quiet meal, they settled again in front of TV.

“Maybe we could do something else in the next few days,” Sebastian suggested.

Joseph closed his eyes for a second or two. _Great, he’s already bored with me._ “What would you like to do?”

“Don’t know yet, but we could go out, since we probably have time now for the next days. What were you usually doing on New Year’s Eve?”

“Not much.” Joseph scratched his chin. “I would either work, or stay at home, having a glass of wine or two.”

He wanted to ask what Sebastian would do, but then remembered that Lily and Myra had still been around.

Sebastian probably had the same in mind. “Okay, we’ll see what we’ll do then,” he said.

***

Both were rather tired after these last days, so they went early to bed, looking forward to stay a little longer in it in the morning. Again, Sebastian decided to stay in Joseph’s bed, but still didn’t hope for much to happen.

When they were in bed, Joseph suddenly remembered something important: “If we are together, one of us has to go to another unit -”

“Yeah, I know. Will you still go through with your plans?”

Joseph sighed. “I guess I should, no matter what happens. Who knows if this – _we_ – will work out.”

Of course Joseph was right, though Sebastian didn’t like the prospect of losing him, too; the thought made it difficult for him to sleep -

Just when he considered that Joseph had fallen asleep, the younger man had something more to say: “Sebastian, there’s something else...”

“Yeah?”

“When I was ill, and you had slept in my bed,” Joseph hesitated, “did I do – something? Maybe something strange?”

Ah, that. “Well, you – you were freezing, so you kind of – snuggled up against me.”

Joseph widened his eyes, tightening the duvet around him. “I’m – I’m sorry about that!”

“I didn’t mind,” Sebastian assured him, “it was really cold back then, so it was alright.”

“Yeah, but still - “

Sebastian had an idea: “I wouldn’t mind it now...”

For quite some time, Joseph didn’t move. This was probably his one and only shot for a relationship, and with the man he wanted for so long now -

He slowly turned around, rearranging the duvet. Although he wanted to be close to Sebastian, he also was kind of afraid of it, so he left a bit of space between them, lying in a fetal position, his head facing down.

The older detective had to smile a bit at this. If that’s what Joseph wanted for now, then so be it.

***

It was early morning when Joseph opened his eyes; it was around 6 AM, as he could see turning his head towards the clock on his night stand.

This would be his usual hour to get up for work, but then Joseph remembered that he was now on vacation for a few days.

And the situation he was currently in: curled up against Sebastian -

Joseph really woke up now; or was he still dreaming - ?

“Good morning,” Sebastian grumbled.

Startled, Joseph moved his head up to see Sebastian’s face; the two men were, apparently again, lying the way the did when they had gone to sleep. Joseph blinked to make sure the other man next to him was real.

He was probably more real than Joseph thought, being able to feel – well, Sebastian’s ‘excitement’.

Of course, morning wood was normal; Joseph himself wasn’t anything different in that department.

It was still terrible, though. The younger man turned his head down again, closing his eyes.

Sebastian smirked, also noticing their ‘predicament’, although, unlike Joseph, he was feeling rather comfortable about it.

“Since you’ve never done it before,” he said quietly before even thinking that he had opened his mouth in his half-asleep state, “shouldn’t you be more – hungry for sex?”

Joseph shifted at first, then made a disgruntled noise, only to bury his face somewhere between Sebastian’s chest, neck and jaw, his arms bend between himself and Sebastian, aware that he was now even closer to the other man’s hard-on.

His breath tickled Sebastian’s skin, which woke him up a little, realizing that he probably had embarrassed Joseph by what he had just said. So he was a bit more surprised about Joseph actually coming closer to him -

“Alright,” Sebastian cooed, wrapping his arms around Joseph and giving him a kiss on his head, “if that’s what you like.”

Again, Joseph stirred a bit, confused by being treated like this.

***

A few hours later, Sebastian woke up alone in Joseph’s bed.

He got up, and went to the kitchen, from where some noises came from. Joseph was standing at the stove, in a rather comfy sweater and pants.

After Joseph’s illness, Sebastian should be used to this sight, but he still had to blink and smile a bit on the inside when he would spot this.

Getting closer, he discovered what Joseph was doing at the stove.

“Pancakes? You’re making something as unhealthy as pancakes, Jo?”

Joseph turned towards Sebastian. “Oh, I – well,” he moved back to the pancakes, “I used to make them for Lily, when I babysat her.”

“Ah,” Sebastian replied, sitting down at the kitchen table.

For some seconds, Sebastian didn’t want to go into that direction; but then he thought of Myra, and how they probably would have a conversation about Lily.

And in the end, he would have to talk with Joseph about this, too -

“Say,” he cleared his throat, “the stuff you’ve been cooking for us lately: did you cook that for Lily, too?”

“Yes,” Joseph widened his eyes at Sebastian staying at this topic, “not all of the meals, but some of them. I didn’t really notice...“ He took a pancake out of the pan. “Are you – angry about that?”

“What?!” Sebastian startled. “No, no – I hadn’t noticed it until now, or maybe Lily told me, but then I forgot.” He started feeling bad for forgetting about that.

The memory of Lily also didn’t help.

Joseph gazed at the pan, focusing almost too much on the food. Should he continue with this topic - ?

“This is probably not the best time,” Joseph said nevertheless, “but since we now _have_ time – how about we visit Lily’s grave?”

Sebastian growled. “Ugh, I knew I shouldn’t have said anything, Don’t start me with that, Joseph.”

“Yes, but you started this, so – why won’t you visit her grave?”

Some weeks ago, Sebastian had been angry over Joseph never talking back, so it should be something good; but not when it’s about _this_. “I don’t need a stupid tomb stone to tell me that my little girl isn’t around anymore.”

Taken a bit aback, Joseph nevertheless brought some of the pancakes to the table. “It might still be good for you to visit her grave.”

“And why?”

“To have some closure -”

“I don’t need closure!” Sebastian clenched his fist on his thigh.

“But – it seems you had some closure about Myra...”

In an attempt to not yell at Joseph, Sebastian covered his eyes with his palm. _“Damn you, Joseph, I just wanted to have some nice quiet days with you - !”_

He stood up, pushing his chair a bit back in the process. “I’m going for a walk and a smoke!”

Stomping out of the kitchen, Sebastian left a sighing Joseph behind.

***

Joseph was sitting on his couch, zapping through the TV channels; it had been an hour since Sebastian had left. Should he call him on his cell phone? Was that even a good idea after their argument?

Not to mention if Sebastian would come back… Well, that wasn’t the first time this had happened to Joseph, although under different circumstances.

The door bell rang. Joseph jumped up – maybe it was Sebastian, who else would it be now…

What silly thoughts; he opened the door, and of course Sebastian stood there, in his coat and a moody expression on his face.

“Seb, you came back - “ The corner of Joseph’s mouth twitched to try a smile.

“Yeah, well,” Sebastian avoided the other man’s eyes, “can I still come in?” Asking this was the least thing he could do, after that outbreak from earlier.

“Yes, of course” Joseph got out of the way to let Sebastian in.

The older man entered the living room, and let a duffel bag fall into the smaller couch.

“What is this?” Joseph asked.

“I went home to get some clothes,” Sebastian scratched his chin, “I wondered if I could stay here during our free days.”

That now made Joseph really smile a bit. “Yeah, you can stay.”

They stood there for some moments; Joseph looked down on his hands, folded together, while Sebastian gazed at him apprehensively.

“I – I guess you’re hungry,” Joseph turned for the kitchen -

“Jo, wait.”

“Yes?” Joseph was almost at the kitchen door.

“Aren’t _you_ angry with _me_?”

Joseph slowly went to the couch and sat down on it’s arm rest. “No – I mean, it’s not the first time you’re angry with me. I guess I shouldn’t have talked more about Lily, but I got carried away.” He got up again.

Sebastian frowned; Joseph behaved really odd. Yes, the younger man should be used to his flashes of anger, but still -

“You thought I wouldn’t come back, right?”

Folding his arms, Joseph glanced sideways, here and there. “I – I don’t know. I told you, I don’t know about these relationship things.”

Another idea crossed Sebastian’s mind. “Hmm – is this how other guys left you?”

The younger man let his arms hang and his gaze sink. “Yes, sometimes. Though due to other reasons.” His voice had become lower in the end.

_Shit._ Letting his shoulders hang, too, Sebastian had to do something. “Joseph, I’m sorry, I – I,” he put his palm on his forehead, “I shouldn’t blame you for me feeling bad when – when Lily or Myra are mentioned.”

No answer from Joseph; he just waited apprehensively.

“You – you were probably right about my closure with Myra, too, I just don’t know what to do about it,” Sebastian shrugged his shoulders, “I’ll meet her some time after New Year’s.”

“Ah, okay,” Joseph finally replied, “that’s a start, I guess.”

Somehow, that wasn’t a real answer to Sebastian. “How do you cope with all of this – your own problems, Lily, and especially me?” he suddenly asked.

“Ehm,” Joseph took a step back; should he really talk about this?

Well, he had gotten quite far with other very private things about himself -

“You know that I was also drinking more than usual, and visiting Lily’s grave, and talking with Myra every now and then.” Joseph took a deep breath. “But I also began to go to the department’s psychologist recently - ?”

Sebastian shook his head in a startled way. “What, the police shrink?! I thought you can only go there when you shot someone -”

“Remember when he was introduced to us? The therapist mentioned that we could come to him with any kind of problem.” Joseph looked up from his hands to Sebastian.

The older detective thought of the last weeks. “I guess it helped, you changed lately.”

“Changed? In what way?”

Glancing sideways, Sebastian regretted a little going into this direction with this discussion. “I thought you opened up a little, when you were sick, and with the jokes, and so on.”

Joseph blinked slowly. “Is that – good?”

Again, Sebastian startled. “Yeah, of course it’s good! I got to know you better lately than all the years before -”

“Ah – thanks, I guess.”

Maybe Joseph should say something, too. “You changed too, I think. You really didn’t – drink that much as usual the last month.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Sebastian huffed, “except that I was still often enough too angry with you...” He looked on the ground.

“You’ve improved there as well,” Joseph tried to encourage him. “Have you thought about therapy?”

One more reason Sebastian regretted this discussion; he gulped. “I was at one session in summer, after Myra pressured me into it for quite some time. But I showed up drunk, as always, and the therapist just sent me away – just as I wanted. And well, Myra left me after this. I mean, I hardly managed to talk to Myra without being drunk, so...”

“Oh -” That was something new to Joseph. “Maybe you could try it again.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

They stood there for some moments, not sure what to do next.

Joseph broke the silence, with Myra in his mind: “Did you talk to Myra about me?”

“Yes. Apparently she knew that – I had already fallen for you. So she doesn’t mind.”

“You mean – she knew that I – like guys?”

“I don’t know,” Sebastian blinked, “she’s a detective, so she probably noticed your preferences. I guess she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to out you.”

“And what about – liking _you_?”

Sebastian took a deep breath. “She didn’t tell me anything, so I can’t say.”

Joseph slid into the couch to sit properly, bowing forward and burying his face in his palm. “Of course she knew – YOU knew! God, this is so embarrassing - !”

The older man pressed his lips together and came closer to Joseph, putting his hand gently on Joseph’s shoulder.

“This is maybe not the best time to mention this,” he began, “but I will have to talk with her about this if we want to be together. It would be easier if you’d be okay with it.”

After some seconds, Joseph let his hands down. “Yes – yes, of course...” He then turned his head up, with widened eyes. “You really – still want to be with me?”

Sebastian gave him a wry smile. “We haven’t even started out yet, we should at least try.”

“Yeah, but,” Joseph paused, “I will probably do a lot of stupid things, since I never had a relationship -”

“Oh, come on,” the other man took his hand away and finally sat down, “you’re just being yourself, and there’s nothing’s stupid about it.”

Again, Joseph was surprised by this and tensed a little at first, but then somehow relaxed at the sight of Sebastian’s tired-looking face. Just the thought that he and Sebastian would be in a relationship made him feel a bit more comfortable.

His stupid dreams seemed to come true…

“Let’s eat,” Sebastian got up again, patting Joseph’s thigh, “don’t want these pancakes go to waste.”


	17. Door 17

In the end, their pancake breakfast was more like an extensive lunch, both relaxing at the kitchen table.

“How about going out today, this afternoon?” Sebastian asked, finishing his coffee.

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Joseph hesitated, “I mean – what would you like to do?”

“Don’t have any idea?”

“I – I wouldn’t know where to go with you.”

“It’s too early for a bar,” Sebastian scratched his jaw, “what would you do with your dates on afternoons?”

Joseph didn’t want to be reminded of his older dates. “What would you do on your dates with Myra? Or before you met Myra? I can’t really remember if you told me.”

Sebastian blinked his eyes rapidly; had he really not told Joseph anything when he would go out with Myra, despite the babysitting? Perhaps he had hardly talked much about these things with Joseph, thinking that he wasn’t interested in this sort of topic; the younger man also had never asked what they had been up to. “To be honest, I can’t really remember much, before Myra. We went to a watch a movie, or to a nice dinner, sometimes to a musical or theater. Guess that’s what I did with my earlier dates.”

“You – you went to a theater?!”

“Yeah,” Sebastian shrugged his shoulders, “why not? I was a nice diversion from the job and the usual crap on TV.”

The younger man stared at him in disbelief.

“Let me guess, I don’t look like that type?” Sebastian leaned forward, his elbow on the kitchen table, resting his head in his palm.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t – maybe I forgot that you mentioned it -”

“Haha, don’t sweat it, Jo, I usually don’t talk about that stuff. Would you like to go watch a play?”

Joseph pondered for some seconds; he would have liked to go with his old dates to a play, but had never dared to speak up, feared of being seen as boring.

“I would like to,” he answered, “but not today, maybe another time.” He began to stir in his coffee, feeling suddenly tired. “I wouldn’t even know if there’s a play, or concert, or whatever on.”

Sebastian had another idea, though he himself was unsure of going through with it. “You had asked me to go with you to the cemetery - “

Surprised by that, Joseph had to hold his cup in mid-air. “You wanna go today?” He took a sip. “Are you sure?”

“No, no, I don’t want to go there,” Sebastian poured some more coffee in his mug, “I rather thought of doing something that Lily had liked -”

“Oh,” Joseph now took a piece of pancake, “what do you mean? She liked to watch Disney movies and playing with her dolls and plush toys, I guess.”

“Don’t you remember what she liked to do in winter?”

Joseph’s face lightened up a bit. “Yes, she liked to go to the ice rink, you mentioned it some time.”

“You never went with her to the ice rink when babysitting?”

“No,” Joseph smiled slightly, “I can’t skate, so...”

Sebastian swirled the coffee in his mug around, gazing into it. “How about we go to the ice rink then? Wouldn’t that be nicer to commemorate her?”

A sorrowful expression spread over Joseph’s face. “You really want to do this?”

“Why not? It would be better than visiting a miserable little grave.”

“I don’t know – I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“YOU asked me to visit her grave, and I’m just trying to work here with your suggestion.”

“That’s what I mean -”

The older man bit his tongue. “Yeah, sorry, I – I just want to do something fun with you. That’s how I want to remember Lily.” He avoided Joseph’s eyes.

“Can you go through with this?”

“I don’t know. But I’m sure you’ll notice when I’m upset and want to leave.”

***

Joseph parked his car at the parking lot next to the ice rink; he took his hands off the steering wheel.

Sebastian stared at the rink’s entrance, his hands on his knees, fingers tapping on them; he hadn’t said much since their lunch and preparing for their little trip. “We’ll have to rent skates first.”

“I still think this is a bad idea,” the younger man kept his hands in his lap. “I told you, I can’t skate.”

“I’ll teach you. With Lily, I had to learn it the hard way.” Sebastian crossed his arms, not making a move.

Apparently, he needed some moments, so Joseph gave him some.

After some time, he was unsure if Sebastian would do anything at all. “Are we going now or not?”

“Yeah – yeah, of course,” Sebastian finally handled the door on his side open.

***

Sebastian got them the skates; he himself put them on rather swiftly, while Joseph seemed to be overburdened with that task.

_Should I help him?_ Sebastian had to suppress a grin from watching Joseph fighting with the skates.

“Castellanos, Oda? What are you doing here?”

Both men jolted up at first, but then recognized their colleague Connelly, his wife and their two daughters right behind him.

Joseph was too baffled to react; he didn’t want to see anyone from the department right now, not in such a delicate situation with Sebastian -

“Jo and I spent Christmas together, working the shift,” Sebastian answered unimpressed, “so we thought to spend New Year’s together, too. It’s better than spending it alone, considering the past year.”

“Ah, yes,” Connelly got the hint, scratching the back of his head shyly. He had been at Lily’s funeral, too.

“Brought the whole set of your nice ladies here, eh?”

“Well, the girls wanted to come here, so,” the other officer smiled, but he immediately wanted to bite his tongue, remembering how Lily and his children would sometimes come here together. “Don’t you want to end his misery?” he suddenly nodded to Joseph’s direction.

“It’s too funny,” Sebastian managed to say, glad to change the topic.

Connelly observed Joseph, and then crossed his arms. “Yeah, true that.”

“That’s mean, daddy!” a small voice squeaked at Connelly. His younger daughter now stood next to him and glared at him, before walking over to Joseph to help him with his skates.

S he kneeled in front of him and put a wonky bow on the skate Joseph had managed to put on.

A bit surprised about his new little assistant, Joseph petted the girl on the head: “Oh, my, thank you very much!”

Watching this scene, Sebastian had a big knot in his chest. He remembered Lily; he remembered how she called Joseph ‘uncle Jojo’ when they would play together.

But Sebastian also saw something: th e way the other man looked at the little girl, with a warm smile and sadness in his eyes. Joseph had to be missing Lily so much, too.  And not just that,  he probably lon ged to be a father, knowing that that wish would probably never become a reality -

“Tiffany has been really nice the whole month to not anger Santa Clause,” Connelly interrupted Sebastian’s musings, chuckling. “But I guess she decided to keep it like this since Santa praised her for being so good.”

“Yeah, she’s a good girl,” Sebastian replied with a small smile.

Connelly’s older daughter, standing by her mother, crossed her arms while pouting.

“Aww, don’t be angry, darling,” her mother wrapped an arm around her.

“Hey,” Sebastian bowed down to her and gave her a smile as well, “so are you.”

The girl hid her face in her mother’s coat, but he could spot a little smile on her lips nevertheless.

“Alice is really shy, don’t judge her,” Connelly explained, “Tiffany is way better with people.”

“That’s okay, not everyone can be a social butterfly,” Sebastian got up again and turned back to Joseph and Tiffany; Joseph had finally put on the skates and had a chat with the girl.

“Wonder when Joseph will have children,” Connelly remarked.

“Who know,” Sebastian shrugged his shoulders, “but you should be careful, or else he’d kidnap Tiffany anytime.”

Connelly had to laugh. “He can have her for today! More time for me and my missus.”

“Just check his pockets when he leaves,” Sebastian snickered.

Joseph and Tiffany slowly walked over to the others; slowly, because Joseph was rather wobbling than walking, almost falling every step, trying not to fall on the little girl on his hand. Tiffany really wanted to hold him, and although she was more stable on her skates, being a five-year-old, she obviously couldn’t -

Sebastian stepped in and caught Joseph before he could fall.

“Careful!” he cried out, wrapping an arm casually around his partner.

“I’m holding him!” Tiffany protested.

“And you did an amazing job,” Sebastian grinned at her brightly, but also took her hand that Joseph released, “but he’s a bit too much of a big guy for you, so we don’t want you to get hurt if he falls on you.”

He let got of Joseph and brought Tiffany to her father who also began to put on skates, while Joseph gave the rink another skeptical look, standing at the small entrance to it.

“I’m really not sure about this,” he said.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” Sebastian stepped in on the ice, grabbing the border with one hand while offering Joseph the other one.

Joseph also stepped in, but quite clumsily and almost slipped, Sebastian again catching him on time, one arm around his waist -

“See, you’re on the ice,” Sebastian encouraged him.

“I don’t know much about skating, but I don’t think you should hold me this long -” Joseph glanced timidly back at his colleague who now assisted Alice with the skates.

Sighing, Sebastian let go of Joseph. “But I have to hold you somehow, or you’ll fall, or too often.”

“Can’t avoid that, I suppose,” Joseph managed a small smile.

***

At first, they stayed at the border, Joseph having one hand on it, Sebastian holding the other; he also had placed one hand on Joseph’s back, to keep him stable. The newbie still slipped, but thanks to Sebastian, only ended once on the side of his thigh.

They managed one round, and then Sebastian persuaded Joseph to skate more into the center of the rink.

Wonky as hell, Joseph moved in a weird, bowing forward way, one arm waving around in the air searching for something to hold on; Sebastian slid confidently backwards to keep an eye on Joseph, holding him fast on the other arm, grinning and snorting at the show in front of him.

But all the support and assistance only went so far, and in the end, Joseph fell flat on his butt.

“Ouch!” Joseph rubbed his behind, “You know, this might not be for me.”

“What? You’re only here for five minutes, the fun hasn’t started yet!”

“The only one having fun right now is you!”

“Come on,” Sebastian reached down, helping Joseph up again, “once you’ve learned this, it’ll be fun.”

“No, please,” Joseph was irritated, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

He managed to get up, but almost instantly fell again, but into Sebastian’s arms.

Sebastian was way too amused by all of this; he forgot his surroundings -

“Hey, you -”

\- And gave Joseph a kiss, fully on his mouth.

Joseph had seen Connelly approaching them from the corner of his eye, and was not just shocked by Sebastian’s kiss.

“Seb!” He pushed the other man away, lost his balance and immediately crushed down on the ice again.

The older man looked back and forth between Joseph and Connelly; down was a miserable state, on the side was a more than baffled colleague -

Somehow, Connelly managed to get his voice back, murmuring: “I’m sorry, didn’t want to disturb -” He turned away.

Sebastian got his wits back, and helped Joseph up first, trying to keep him on his legs, respectively skates. “Connelly, please wait!”

The addressed one cautiously glanced over his shoulder at the two men.

“Connelly, listen: I - “ Sebastian again looked at a distressed Joseph, then at Connelly, “we would appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell anyone about us. We’d want to do that ourselves.”

Connelly gazed at them for a while, not sure about what he just had witnessed. “Ah, okay. I get what you mean, I guess.”

“I want to go home -” Joseph crossed his arms and looked to the side, away from both men.

Sebastian finally gave in. “Okay, let’s go.” He gently led him out of the rink.


	18. Door 18

Instead of going immediately to Joseph’s apartment, they went to a diner instead, having a coffee and a snack.

“I’m sorry,” Joseph stirred his coffee, “I overreacted. I wasn’t expecting going on a date with you, and having Connelly around was just too much.”

Sebastian sighed. “No, I’m sorry. We should have gone somewhere else. It was a stupid idea.”

They ate and drank for a while, not saying much.

“You remembered Lily, right?” Sebastian suddenly asked.

“You mean with Tiffany?” Joseph paused. “Yeah, a bit.”

“Connelly asked me if you want to have kids. Do you?”

Joseph thought for some seconds. “Yes, I would have liked to.”

“What’s that for an expression?” Sebastian leaned forward on his elbows; they were sitting on the opposite sides of the table. “’Would have liked to?!’”

“Ehm, well, since I only like guys, the only option would have been an adoption. But I would have had to find a partner and get married to him to be allowed to adopt a kid.”

The older man got what he wanted to say. “But since you couldn’t find a partner -”

“I basically gave up on it some years ago.” Joseph let his hands sink into his lap, looking down. “I guess I used Lily as a surrogate daughter -”

Sebastian sat back in his chair, staring out of the window; he should say something, but was lost for words. Would he really be able to deal with Joseph’s several problems in a relationship - ?

“Are you angry with me?” Joseph asked.

“Hm?”

“I mean, I basically used you and your family.”

But then, Sebastian himself had been one of the main causes of Joseph’s problems. “No, you didn’t. I probably would have done the same in your situation.”

“Yeah, but – I’m really sorry about it -”

“Stop it, seriously! Damn it, I just wanted to have some fun time with you,” Sebastian finished his coffee and sandwich and got up. “Next time I let you decide where we’re going.”

***

They spent the evening sitting in front of TV, having found a comedy movie so that they wouldn’t have too talk much. Joseph had brought them some malt beer, although Sebastian would have liked a real beer -

For some moments, Sebastian thought about sleeping on the couch; every now and then, he glanced at Joseph, apparently enjoying the film a little.

In the end, Sebastian was just too glad to have him around, and craved being in the same bed with him.

***

Joseph had been a bit surprised when Sebastian wanted to stay in the bed; he knew that he had to change his own behavior and thoughts if he wanted this relationship to work, but still – everything was so new and unfamiliar.

Kind of frightening, too.

It had been even more surprising that Sebastian even wanted to hold him while sleeping – Joseph still dared, though a bit hesitantly, to put his own arms around the other man’s back.

Some hours later, that of course led to – certain complications in the early morning hours…

The young man woke up from some stirring underneath him: he was cuddled up half on Sebastian’s chest who was lying on his back, still one arm around Joseph; he was wearing his pajamas, so his boner was rather notable.

And Sebastian woke up from Joseph’s erection at his thigh -

“Uhm,” Sebastian hummed a bit amusedly, noticing that Joseph was awake, too, “I think I already asked you this, but – don’t you want to have sex?” He stroke Joseph’s arm that was on his chest.

Waking up fully by this, Joseph tensed, grabbing at Sebastian’s top. “Well, I – uhm, I guess I want to, but I don’t know how to proceed -”

Half-awake, half-horny, Sebastian grinned a little; he had completely forgotten about their quarrel from earlier. “You said you fantasized about me. I’m sure you also had sex fantasies about me, right? Why don’t you just do with me what you would do in your fantasies? It can’t be too crazy.” His hand wandered from Joseph’s arm to the young man’s side -

No answer from Joseph at first, too busy with all the sensations on and in his body; after some moments, he quietly replied: “When we started working together, I had these – sex fantasies about us, yes.” He took a deep breath, trying to ignore the hotness between his legs. “But now I’m mostly fantasize about THIS here.”

“Hm? This here?”

“Yeah, this – lying together like this.” Joseph closed his eyes, hiding his face.

Now Sebastian woke up from this, finally noticing how uncomfortable Joseph was.

He had a sudden epiphany on how much Joseph had given up, probably for him: a relationship, a family, and apparently, sex, too. Joseph would have been happy with the bare minimum -

It would have been enough if someone would be there. If _Sebastian_ would be there.

No wonder no one wanted to be with Joseph: his potential partners would have had demanded a lot more.

Why had Joseph’s dates treated him so badly, just reducing him to things he just – well, wasn’t really good at. Joseph was loyal, almost obedient; he was helpful and never complained about doing more than needed.

But yes, Joseph wasn’t – entertaining or fun enough for most people. Sebastian and Myra had never minded that, but rather appreciated his calm demeanor, making Joseph a good godfather for Lily.

Oh, and how much Lily had loved her godfather! And now that Sebastian remembered it, Joseph had always been so cheerful around the little girl, quite different than with adults. Seeing him with Connelly’s little daughter had shown him why -

Sebastian moved his head and gave Joseph some sloppy kisses on his forehead, his eye, his cheek and his mouth, cupping Joseph’s face in the process. “Ooph, and here I talk and behave like an old horny guy.” Turning more towards Joseph, he wrapped his arms around him, pressing their crotches together.

Joseph didn’t answer, but buried his head in Sebastian’s chest, too confused about his feelings and the hardness between his legs.


	19. Door 19

On the morning of New Year’s Eve, Joseph woke up by hearing a moan.

Turning his head around, he opened his eyes, discovering he was alone in his bed, but slowly was able to make out some sounds from his kitchen.

That was Sebastian, probably making breakfast. Joseph threw the blanket off of him, swinging his legs over the edge of the mattress; looking down on himself, there was a dark spot on his pajama pants, right on his crotch -

_Oh, god, that moan, that was me - !_

He let his head sink into his palm, covering his eyes, and started to quiver; for some moments, Joseph stayed like this, trying to get the embarrassment out of his body. Gulping his anger about himself down, he let his hand slide down his face, his eyes shiny.

“Ah, you’re awake,” Sebastian appeared in the door frame, still in his pajamas, “I’m making breakfast.”

Startled, Joseph turned his head slightly to the door, glad that he was sitting facing away Sebastian. “I – I take a shower first.”

“Okay, but don’t take too long,” the older man waddled away to the kitchen; Joseph hoped that Sebastian hadn’t heard his moan -

Just as Joseph announced, he first showered. He calmed down while the water was trickling down his skin, and felt better after putting on fresh and clean clothes; he had thrown his pajama pants and underwear right into the washing machine.

He then trotted to the kitchen, and sat down at the table, leaning with his elbows on it; the other man was shoving some eggs and beans on two plates to carry them to Joseph.

Sebastian noticed the somewhat empty expression on Joseph’s face. “I guess I overdid it a little last night, eh?” He placed his hand apologetically on Joseph’s lower arm.

Joseph didn’t answer, embarrassed from being reminded by how he woke up. Sebastian went back to the counter, bringing some fruit salad in two small bowls to the table; and one more time to get some toast, coffee and two mugs.

They began to eat, and Joseph actually enjoyed the food. Suddenly, he wondered how they had ended up in this situation -

“Say, how long did you – did you know about me?” he asked. “I mean – that I was into you.”

“Didn’t I tell you?” Sebastian said, then chewed some beans. “I can’t really say it was a certain moment, my suspicions just became stronger over the years – and the last months basically confirmed them. I mean, you stayed longer than my wife, so -”

“But,” Joseph was embarrassed – how many more people probably knew? “I’m a guy – you don’t like guys.”

Now Sebastian – actually blushed a bit? “Well, I never told this anyone – there were a few guys I was interested in – years ago. But I never did anything about it.”

Joseph stared at him in disbelief.

“Yeah, well,” the older man scratched the back of his head shyly, “quite a surprise, huh?”

“It’s only a few guys? What does a guy need to be like for you to like him?”

“I – I don’t really know.” Sebastian tried to remember the other men he had fancied: some actually had looked like Joseph, others had been bulkier, so there wasn’t any preference in looks for him; their behavior, their character? There hadn’t been anything special about them – at least not special enough to ask them for a date.

“So,” Joseph fumbled in the eggs, “I’m something special then?”

Sebastian placed his fist with the fork in it on the plate, unsure what to say; these sort of situations had never been his forté, but he wanted to say something meaningful -

He was sitting next to Joseph, so Sebastian placed his hand again on Joseph’s lower arm. “You’re not _something_ special, you are _someone_ special.”

***

When midnight drew closer, the two men decided to go outside and sit on the curbstone. Joseph was leaning against Sebastian’s shoulder, he needed that after two glasses of wine -

Sebastian grinned with a red face not just from the drink. The evening had gone well so far: with an extended dinner they had prepared together, and some jazz music playing Joseph had put on.

It was Sebastian’s fault that Joseph was so tipsy: he had gone home to bring some food from his own pantry, and had found a forgotten bottle of wine in the corner of his kitchen cabinet.

He was surprised when Joseph actually opened the bottle and poured each of them a glass, taking a sip every now and then while cooking, and during eating.

They waited for the fireworks, organized by the city at different places, to start.

“How come you drank the wine?” Sebastian asked, putting an arm around Joseph. “I thought you didn’t want to drink.”

“Today is an exception,” Joseph lulled, “I wanted to get a bit tipsy to be more relaxed. Plus, we still have the champagne.” He lifted the green bottle.

_More relaxed?_ Sebastian began to have hopes that tonight, they could go a bit further in their rather young relationship -

The fireworks popped up, lighting up the Krimson City night sky, welcoming the new year.

“Happy new year,” Sebastian huffed in Joseph’s ear, kissing it, too.

Joseph didn’t answer, but actually giggled slightly, preparing the champagne for them.

He gave Sebastian one glass so that they can clink them. “Happy new year,” Joseph beamed at him, giving Sebastian finally a shy kiss on the cheek -

That was already more than Sebastian had hoped a few seconds ago; he squeezed Joseph closer to himself, making it difficult for the other man to drink his champagne.

***

They finished the champagne bottle, and needed about half an hour for it, observing the colorful sparks in the night sky.

And again, it was too much for Joseph. Sebastian slung the other man’s arm around his shoulder, helping him not just into the flat, but also into bed -

Both were still in rather cozy clothes, so Sebastian only had to take off Joseph’s shoes and coat. The younger man cuddled back into the blanket that hadn’t been done.

“Aren’t you getting in?” Joseph said, his smile half-hidden in the pillow.

Sebastian smiled back, bringing first their coats and shoes away to hang them into the hall.

By the time he came back, Joseph had fallen asleep -

Shaking his head in amusement, Sebastian entered the bed, taking Joseph in his arms.

But Joseph was still awake after all, giving Sebastian a drunk kiss half on his mouth, half below it.

Sebastian was too glad to comply; he pulled Joseph closer, kissing him rather cautiously, and giving him some room to react.

Joseph seemed to enjoy this, kissing Sebastian back every now and then -

In the end, the wine and champagne won over, and despite both feeling rather hot, Joseph at least fell asleep again, humming and moaning gently.

With a big grin, Sebastian drew the blanket closer around them, and fell asleep as well.

***

Sebastian woke up to some slouchy, but demanding kisses by Joseph some hours later.

It was still dark, just a few rays of the street lamp outside were shining through the window.

The younger man was pushing himself against Sebastian, his crotch grinding against Sebastian’s, giving out small moans -

“Jo – what,” Sebastian tried to resist Joseph’s persuasion for as long as possible, but his dick wasn’t exactly obeying.

Joseph just continued with some low groans, his tongue literally fighting with Sebastian’s – he was still probably too drunk!

But this had been probably the reason why Joseph had wanted to relax with the wine and champagne, having been completely deprived of relationships and sex -

In the end, the writhing, moaning and kissing was also too much – Sebastian wrapped his arms tighter around Joseph’s back, leading one hand down Joseph’s butt, pushing it and pressing their crotches even more together.

He let Joseph basically do with him what he wanted, though Joseph appeared to be unsure about what to do -

At some point, Joseph pushed Sebastian on his back, and straddled him. This woke Joseph up entirely, noticing not only his own, but also the other man’s erection.

“Oh,” Joseph widened his eyes in bewilderment, staring at the mess he had created; his own bulge was touching the man’s underneath him.

A rather impressive bulge -

Sebastian got up on his elbows, a big grin on his face. “Guess a package arrived for you.”

Joseph pulled his shoulders up, hiding his face behind his fists in utter embarrassment. Sebastian behaved so cringe-worthy, but cute at the same time; it was good that at least one of them was so relaxed around sex.

“Hey, you alright?” Sebastian furrowed his brows in slight worry at Joseph’s weird behavior.

The addressed one let his fists sink slowly, relaxing visibly. “Yeah – yeah, I’m just not used to – _this_.” He shyly glanced to Sebastian’s face and bulge, and vice versa. “I mean, we haven’t dated much either.”

“Dates are for people who just met. We know each other for years.” Sebastian smiled gently at him. “You want to continue?”

Wringing his hands, Joseph needed some time for an answer.

“Uh-huh,” he finally said, “it’s just – is it – is it okay if I only use my hand?”

“Sure,” Sebastian’s smile brightened up, “we don’t have to do much.”

Joseph pondered for a second, but then cautiously directed his hand down, pulling on the waistband of Sebastian’s jogging pants -


	20. Door 20

Joseph was preparing breakfast for them on New Year’s morning, humming in the process; he made pancakes and eggs, a new combination.

Taking care of the coffee, Sebastian smiled a bit to himself: the younger man was humming every now and then since they had gotten up -

Because Joseph was still very shy about these things, they hadn’t really done much in the end last night, basically using their hands on each other and kissing a lot. It had been really nice, and quite novel, feeling, smelling and tasting Joseph like this; although he had been a bit disappointed that they wouldn’t go any further, Sebastian was glad about the release that had built up the last few weeks, and Joseph’s happiness and well-being was more important right now.

And since Joseph was quite the cuddler, they had finished with more kissing and embracing each other -

“It’s our last holiday before going back to work,” Joseph reminded him, “do you want to do something? Go out?”

Sebastian looked out through the window; it was snowing thick white flakes. “I don’t know, it looks too cold outside.” He got two mugs out and placed them on the kitchen table. “Or do you have any idea?”

Joseph shoved the scrambled eggs and pancakes on two plates and brought them over. “Well, I thought of going to the park – it’s usually very nice when it’s snowing.”

The older detective remembered something. “Lily liked to go to the park. She often told me when you two would go there.”

Startling a bit, Joseph went back to the counter, getting some cutlery from a drawer, not wanting to carry them to the table; he had completely forgotten about his trips with Lily. “Yes – yes, sometimes, when the sun was shining, too. We would build a snowman, or watch the people with their dogs.” He waited for Sebastian’s reaction.

It came with Sebastian going up behind him, placing one of his hands on the counter to give Joseph a kiss on his cheek. “If the weather gets better, we can go there.” Joseph turned away, blushing a bit, not being used to this treatment.

Sebastian went back to the table to sit down, heaving a sigh.

***

The weather cleared up after noon, and they went to Krimson City Central Park for a walk. The sun was shining, but it was crisp-cold, and while there were thick layers of snow on the meadows and small forests – the park was rather big – , the snow on the paved paths was already trodden down; a lot of people were actually out and about.

Sebastian and Joseph were walking side by side on one of the main paths of the park, not talking much. Many people were around them, since the two men hadn’t been the only one with the idea to take advantage of the good weather.

Both men were deep in thought, contemplating about the reason they were here; there were also a lot of families with children around.

“You had a special place with Lily to go to?” Sebastian finally asked. “She always wanted to see the ducks at the lake.”

“Uh-huh,” Joseph startled, not sure if this was a good idea; how far could he go with Sebastian about this topic today? “We’d like to go to lake, I wonder how many ducks are still there – some stay here in winter, since people are feeding them.“

Sebastian had his hands in his coat pockets, because he didn’t have any gloves, while Joseph kept his hands out of his jacket pockets, since he was wearing his gloves as usually.

But Sebastian nevertheless took one out and grabbed Joseph’s hand, and the younger man shook visibly in his gait; it wasn’t the first time he was holding hands with someone, but never in public.

And with Sebastian on top of that, holding hands only had happened in Joseph’s mind -

He gave into the holding, though, trying to keep Sebastian’s hand warm. The older man smiled insecurely at him, glad for this reply, and that he wasn’t alone in this situation.

“Then let’s go to the lake,” he said.

***

They arrived at the lake, and Sebastian halted, sighing at the side of a small boy with his parents feeding the few ducks staying at the lake.

He, Myra and Lily would have come here usually in summer, when everything was green and lush.

Joseph followed Sebastian’s gaze. “Should we go somewhere else?”

Sebastian thought for a moment; his answer then was to bow down and get a clump of snow, forming a small ball with his hands, and holding it to the back of Joseph’s neck, into his scarf.

“AH!” Joseph shrugged up his shoulders. “What are you doing?!”

“Just having some fun -” Sebastian turned away, but threw the snow ball at Joseph’s chest.

“Aw, you - !”

While Sebastian slowly got away, Joseph now, too, molded a snow ball -

It must have looked hilarious to all the other park dwellers watching two grown men playing around in the snow, giggling like school boys.

“Wait, ouph!” Sebastian panted, “I’m a smoker, I can’t run around like this anymore -”

Joseph smiled at him. “Then let’s build a snow man, shouldn’t be too much of a task for an old man like you - “

A bit taken aback by this uncommonly lighthearted joke of Joseph’s, Sebastian grinned back, and began with the building -

They made a snow man the size of a child, finding some stones to paint eyes, a nose, and a smile on the head.

Sebastian sat down next to their artwork. “How does it look?”

“Pretty enough,” Joseph took a picture of the snow man with his phone.

“How about we take a picture together with our monstrosity?”

Joseph widened his eyes. “Ehm – yeah, sure...”

He sat next to Sebastian, trying to adjust the lens of his phone camera. “Say cheese!”

They both did, and after a few tries, Joseph managed to get a decent photograph.

Their first happy memory together -


	21. Door 21

It was about a week into the new year, when Joseph and Sebastian began their weekend sitting in front of TV, watching a sitcom; their work-week hadn’t been too busy yet, so there was a good chance that they would also have a quiet weekend together.

They were in Joseph’s apartment, Sebastian had spent the last nights always here; the older man was leaning on one side on the arm rest, while having his other arm slung around Joseph’s shoulder. Joseph was just leaning into Sebastian.

It was their usual thing to do after dinner, still unsure how to proceed in their relationship; despite Joseph probably starving for – _physical_ attention, he still kept his self-control up in bed, content about holding and cuddling at night.

“It’s just nice to have you here,” Joseph would say then, but kissing Sebastian more often now.

“Are we going to do something the weekend?” Sebastian turned to Joseph, giving him a small kiss on the forehead. “It was nice on New Year’s -”

Joseph blushed a bit, pushing his glasses back up on his nose; it was still so weird to have Sebastian around – at least like this. “Yeah, why not. How about a museum? Natural history?”

“Sounds good.” Sebastian had to smile a little; it was another place Lily had been fond of. “Say, when are we going to disclose this – _us_ – to the captain?”

“Hmm,” Joseph moved his head from side to side, “maybe at the end of January? Beginning of February?”

“To be sure about us?”

The younger man avoided Sebastian’s eyes. “Yes.”

Sebastian needed a moment. “Alright, then.”

“It’s perhaps not the best time to ask,” Joseph continued, “but how did you and Myra disclose this?”

“I didn’t tell you?” Another detail he had missed. “Well, I – we just went to the captain together and told her. Nothing special.”

Joseph scratched his chin. “Guess we’ll do the same then. Oh, and speaking of Myra – she texted me about when you are going to the cemetery.”

Rolling his eyes, Sebastian replied: “Yeah, she texted me too.”

“You know, I thought about it – it wouldn’t be right if I would go with you to Lily’s grave.”

“Why not?”

“You should do this with Myra, at least when you’re visiting it for the first time. She’s the mother, you the father – I shouldn’t come along for the first visit.”

There was some truth in it. Sebastian knew that he wouldn’t just have to talk with Myra, but also go to Lily with her -

“You’re probably right,” Sebastian paused, “but I would feel better if you came with me. You were also Lily’s godfather.”

Shyly, Joseph looked away.

“How about,” Sebastian continued, “if she wants to take her new man to the cemetery, I’ll take you along, too?”

Joseph glanced at Sebastian. “Yes, alright then.” He smiled almost unnoticed.

***

They went to the Museum of Natural History the next day, making a tour through it with audio guides. For both, it wasn’t the first time they were here, but this time, Joseph would make a few photographs with them in front of exhibits.

“What are you going to do with these pictures?” Sebastian asked when they gave the audio guides back; he had noticed how Joseph would look often at the picture of them with the snow man at work.

“Don’t know – maybe I’ll get some printed, and put them on my living room.” Joseph deleted the versions of the pictures that hadn’t turned out well, according to his keen eye.

“Why aren’t you putting these pictures from your bedroom to your living room?”

Joseph blinked a few seconds. “Oh, I – never thought about it.” He let his phone down. “Wouldn’t it be too – upsetting for you?”

Sebastian folded his arms. “I’ve now slept a few times in your bed room, I’ve seen them often enough.”

“Yes, but it was always rather dark.” Joseph put his phone back into his pocket. “And you usually don’t look at them.”

“Maybe I should get used to them, then, if we want to live together,” Sebastian opened the car’s door, letting a Joseph with slightly blushed cheeks into the car.

***

After the museum, they bought some burritos. While Joseph brought plates and cutlery to the kitchen table, Sebastian placed the burritos on the plates, though he didn’t want to use fork and knife for it; the younger man also placed some glasses and orange juice on the table.

As soon as Joseph had set the items, Sebastian grabbed on his hip, letting him tumble on his lap -

“What are you doing?!” Joseph cried out.

“You’re really too shy about these things,” Sebastian answered.

“We’re only together for, what, a week now?”

Sebastian grinned a bit. “Just wanted to tell you that we can do more, if you’d like to.”

“Ooph!” Joseph bumped his fist against Sebastian’s chest jokingly and freed himself from the grip to stand up; he then sat down at the other chair.

“But seriously,” Sebastian offered, “I get it that this difficult for you, so I don’t mind when you need some time.”

Joseph hesitated. “But I shouldn’t need _too_ much time, I guess?”

“That’s not how I meant it. Just wanted to tell you that I’m ready when you are,” Sebastian replied, and suddenly remembered something. “How did these other guys break up with you?”

Again, Joseph needed some time, taking a breather. “You see, because of my parents, I only started dating in college – I was quite a late-bloomer in these affairs.”

“And then?” Sebastian took a bite.

“Well, like I told you before – when I told them that I didn’t have any experience – they told me that I wasn’t normal or a loser, how a gay guy of my age never had sex -”

“Alright, I get it, you’ve been with too many idiots.”

“I guess I did something wrong -” Joseph let his shoulders hang, cutting his burrito.

Sebastian wiped his mouth with a tissue. “No, these guys just never really cared about you. They just wanted to have some fun with you, but not going through any hardship with you.”

Chewing on his bite, Joseph pondered; it kind of made sense what Sebastian said. Considering that he would usually find dates in night clubs, it explained a lot. Maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to look for relationship material in a bar or night club - ? He had heard somewhere that these wouldn’t be the best places to find a partner, but he had ignored it, not knowing any better.

“Ah,” he sighed.

“Or it was just too much – responsibility for them to be your first time,” Sebastian added.

Joseph frowned. “What sort of responsibility?”

The older man shrugged his shoulders. “To make everything right for you.”

“And you think you can take that ‘responsibility’?” Joseph quirked a brow.

Realizing what he had just uttered, Sebastian’s cheeks tinted a bit.

But he then worked up some courage, and let his burrito down to lean over to Joseph, kissing him tenderly on his cheek, patting it gently, too.

“Well, I can show you in bed now,“ he whispered into Joseph’s ear. “I mean, we’ve already started a bit on New Year’s -”

At first, Joseph tensed immensely at this, freezing in his movements.

Sebastian stopped at once, reminding himself what he had said some moments ago -

“I’m sorry, I wanted to give you time, and now this - !” He scratched the back of his head.

Joseph stirred – he had to do something about his weirdness!

It wasn’t as if Joseph didn’t want to go further with Sebastian; he actually wanted Sebastian so badly – it had been like this during the whole week, but he had assumed that the other man had been too tired – and he himself was too insecure and embarrassed to do something about it.

“Uhm – well, let’s eat first, while the food’s still warm,” he finally said, not daring to look Sebastian into the eye. “But – please don’t expect too much -”

Smirking to himself, Sebastian ate a little bit faster.


	22. Door 22

Sebastian prepared them breakfast the next morning while Joseph made them coffee. The younger man kind of avoided Sebastian since they had woken up, but in a rather cute and shy way -

They would probably need several ‘first times’, but at least they had taken their clothes off last night; on the one hand, Sebastian wasn’t exactly happy about this, but on the other hand, his own experience with men was so limited that it was probably better if they wouldn’t do too much.

He remembered how he had watched gay porn some time ago – and how weird he had found it…

“Say,” Sebastian said, cheeks tinting a little, “how about we stay in my flat the coming week, hm?”

“Fair enough,” Joseph replied, “but it would be really awkward for me.”

“Why?”

“Well – it’s the place you and Myra had lived together.”

The older man spread some peanut butter on their ready toast. “You think you’re a replacement for Myra?”

“I – I just don’t think I should be there – it’s unfair towards Myra, considering that I’m still friends with her.”

“You talked with her about us, right?”

Joseph brought the coffee and two mugs to the table and sat down. “She wasn’t happy, but also not surprised, since you told her about us.”

Sebastian carried the toast on plates to the table, leaned a bit over it and put his hand on Joseph’s. “Do you trust me?”

Startling, Joseph looked up on him. “With what?”

“With me not having you as Myra’s replacement?”

For a second, Joseph blinked his eyes in confusion. “I – I usually don’t trust people.” He smiled wryly. “Trust issues, the shrink said.”

“Well,” Sebastian sighed, “no wonder after what you’ve been through. I really want you to know that you’re not a replacement – I mean this, us.”

Joseph’s gaze nervously went up and down between their hands and Sebastian’s eyes. “You know, I talk about these things with the therapist. Do you mind?”

Sebastian frowned. “I don’t mind. I guess I’m one of the reasons you’re going there.”

“Oh – okay.”

“Why do you ask for my permission? You can talk there about whatever you want.”

It was Joseph’s turn to sigh. “Every time I wake up next to you during the night, I can’t believe that you’re there. I’m afraid that – if I go to sleep and wake up next time, I will be alone again. That Lily didn’t die in that fire, and you and Myra where still together. That you three would live in the flat you live now.”

Sebastian retreated his hand and sat down. “Ah.”

“And yes, of course you’re still there,” Joseph continued, “but – I don’t know, it still feels weird.”

“You don’t believe in us.”

“I don’t know what to believe.” Joseph fumbled with his plate. “There is still a chance that you really just wanted to not be alone during Christmas, just as you said, and to make up for the last year or so.” He took a deep breath. “That I’m just a passing, and that in a few weeks or so, you find someone else – another woman.”

Now, Sebastian heaved a sigh. Yes, there was a chance that this could happen – but how could he convince Joseph that he wasn’t just a _passing_ for him? He wasn’t sure about their future, but Joseph really meant something to him -

“Let’s eat, shall we?” Sebastian took a bite of his toast.

***

After breakfast, Sebastian packed his things and went to his own place.

“I’d like to stay alone for a while in my flat,” he announced. “I also have to take care of my household.”

“Yes, sure,” Joseph replied dryly.

Sebastian wasn’t angry with Joseph; he was aware that the younger man had been deeply hurt, not just by himself, but also by others, so it wasn’t a surprise that Joseph was like this; at least he took care of it with the therapy -

But it had hurt Sebastian what the Joseph had said about him – he just needed a break from all of this.

He even considered going back to drinking – but he didn’t want to go back to that, disappointing Joseph again…

***

Some days later, Joseph observed Sebastian from his desk through all the other officers passing by in the department: the older man had his door open and was sitting at his desk, smoking a cigarette and focused on his computer. Joseph was still a bit surprised that Sebastian had been rather sober.

He had expected to find Sebastian drunk at his own home or drinking again late at night in the office…

Instead of that, Sebastian appeared tidy, and he had stopped wearing his vest a while ago, but now stayed with a white or other simple colored shirt, probably returning to his more casual style that he had before the fire.

They hadn’t talked much during their investigations, only the most necessary exchanges. Joseph wanted to ask Sebastian to spend time together after work, but Sebastian wanted to be alone...

Were they still together? Joseph wasn’t sure about that, with the weird experiences of ‘relationships’ that he had.

Joseph sighed. Had they even been really together to begin with - ?

***

“What’s going on with you two?”

Later in the evening, Joseph and Sebastian had stayed in the department, trying to finish some long-due reports, other officers had already gone home – except for Juli.

Joseph turned around, startled; the female detective was standing next to him.

“What? Oh, what do you mean?“

“You’re not talking much lately. Last week at least you were friendly with each other.”

“Well, you know Sebastian’s moods.”

Juli quirked a brow. “Is he – drinking again? He seemed sober the last weeks.”

“No, he’s not drinking, not that I know of.” Joseph shrugged his shoulders. “But – well -”

For some moments, Juli glanced around to check if someone else was around.

She finally found the courage to say it: “Are you and Sebastian – a couple now or what?”

With wide eyes, and blushing madly, Joseph moved his head around to see if anyone -

“I – I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He focused back on his computer.

“Come on, Jo,” Juli encouraged him, “I notice that sort of thing.”

Joseph took a deep breath. If Juli had noticed, how many other people - ?!

“I guess you have to disclose this to the captain, right?” Juli asked. “Nobody’s here to hear us,” she reassured him.

There was probably no way around it, but Joseph kept his eyes on the screen in front of him. “Yeah, we know. We’re just – waiting for the right moment.”

The corner of Juli’s mouth twitched a bit. “You’re having a domestic right now?”

Almost snorting, Joseph had to smirk a little. “I don’t know – it’s sometimes difficult for us.”

Juli nodded. “Well, I wish you all the best then.”

***

In the end, Sebastian and Joseph were the only ones left in the department late in the evening.

Sebastian, already in his beige coat, exited his office and walked over to Joseph. “Have you finished your stuff?”

Joseph looked up, a bit of surprise in his face; the past few days, Sebastian usually would just say ‘good night’ to him and then disappear. “Yeah, I guess.”

The older detective hesitated. “Shall we go to your place or mine? I know it’s late, but I’d like to cook for us.”

Instinctively, Joseph wanted to mention his own flat, but then thought better of it. “I think I would like to go to your place...”

“Are you sure?” Sebastian raised a brows. “Last time I asked you you weren’t really enthusiastic about it.”

“I – I just – I’m trying to – not be so afraid, I guess.”

Sebastian smiled a bit. “So you’re trusting me after all?”

“Like I said,” Joseph smiled back shyly, “I’m trying to.” He got up to get his coat.

***

They ended up in Sebastian’s kitchen; Joseph was told to sit down with a beer and let Sebastian do everything, although the younger man would have liked to help.

The whole situation became even weirder when Sebastian brought a candle to light, and started humming every now and then while preparing the food -

“Now you overdoing it,” Joseph uttered confused.

“Just relax, okay?” Sebastian presented him a simple, but tasty spaghetti bolognese. “You probably thought all the time that we broke up, right?” He sat down on the opposite side of the table.

Taken aback, Joseph blinked at him. “You should know my answer by now.”

“You can’t really tell, eh? I would tell you if I didn’t want to be with you anymore.”

Joseph didn’t answer, but took a bite of the spaghetti.

“I just thought,” Sebastian continued, “that we both needed a break, we were sitting on each other since you were ill - “

“Uh-hm…” Joseph murmured. “You know, Juli came up to me earlier. She – knows about us.”

“So, Connelly spilled the beans about us then...”

“No, she apparently noticed. She’s a detective after all...” Joseph fumbled in his noodles, staring at them. “Maybe others noticed too...” He looked up at Sebastian.

The older man understood. “Sure some did. It was like this with Myra, too. At least they’re not saying much, probably waiting till we come forward with it.”

Joseph blinked at him. “Ah,” he just remarked, focusing back on his food. “Say, were you drinking the last days?”

A little embarrassed, Sebastian glanced at his beer. “No, or let’s say, no more than two or four fingers after work.”

“That’s – that’s good I suppose...”

“I believe that you trust me more than you think.” Sebastian took a sip in the end. “Or else you wouldn’t tell me all these personal things about you.”

Letting his fork sink, Joseph gulped his spaghetti down. “I – I just want you to know what you bring onto yourself. I know that I’m difficult.”

Sebastian looked gently at Joseph; he then got up, stepped closer to Joseph to bow down to him and kissed him.

“You’re not more difficult than me,” he smiled at him in the faint candle light.

***

A week later, Sebastian was sitting in the _Seashell Diner_. He was waiting for Myra, with whom he had agreed to meet here to talk about their situation – or at least start to do so, since one meeting probably wouldn’t be enough.

Sebastian didn’t really know what these talks would give him; closure, probably, but what else? He was with Joseph for the moment, Myra with Michael, a doctor she had met during an investigation at her new precinct. Would they stay friends? Would that be a good idea?

Myra entered the diner; she spotted Sebastian, and sat on the opposite side of the table in the booth her ex-husband had chosen.

“You’re not drunk, I see,” she remarked, leaning back in her seat and folding her arms.

“I have a drink every now and then,” Sebastian huffed, “I haven’t been drunk since last year.”

“Apparently, you always need someone to keep you away from heavy drinking. You really have to do something about it.”

_Great._ Sebastian sighed, closing his eyes for a moment; this was going very well.

Of course, Myra was right. He couldn’t just depend on a partner to stay sober all the time.

But he hadn’t missed the other thing Myra was hinting at. “You’re still angry because I’m now sober with Joseph.”

The woman looked down at the table. “I still don’t understand why you couldn’t keep away from drink for us – we could have worked out our problems.”

Sebastian fumbled with the cup of coffee he had in front of him. “Are you still – in love with me? After everything?”

It was Myra’s turn to sigh. “We were married after all, for some years, Seb. I can’t just ignore that.”

“Oh,” Sebastian huffed. He opened his mouth again, but was interrupted by the waitress who took Myra’s order.

When the waitress went away, Sebastian said: “You know, I also still have feelings for you, but – Lily’s death was just too much for me.”

Myra huffed. “You started drinking a few days after her funeral – it sometimes confuses me that you stopped some time after being with Joseph.”

Sebastian leaned back in his seat. “I had my relapses.”

“Are you sure you’re not just using Jo as a crutch for your drinking?”

“Wha-” Sebastian was actually a bit shocked; this thought had nagged him sometimes in the back of his mind, but it still surprised him hearing it like this.

“You know you can’t avoid a therapy,” Myra continued. “And if you didn’t want to do it for me, you should at least do it for him.” The waitress brought her coffee.

For a while, Sebastian didn’t know what to reply; in the end, he only came up with: “I’ll see about it.”

A little disappointed, Myra stirred in her coffee. “I said some time ago that I didn’t believe you cheated on me with him – but sometimes I doubt my own judgment...”

Shaking his head, Sebastian had to smirk a bit to himself. “I’m an asshole, Myra, but not _that_ kind of asshole.” He looked at her in a serious way. “I was happy that someone like you had married someone like me.”

“Someone like me?” Myra quirked her brows.

Sighing, Sebastian avoided his ex-wife’s eyes. “You know what I mean -”

Somewhat soothed, Myra wanted to change the topic for now. “You were always an asshole on the outside, but I knew that you had your heart at the right place.” She took a sip. “So, what about a trip to the cemetery?”

“Do we really have to do this?”

“Sebastian, you haven’t done much for me the last year – do at least this one thing.”

She had a point in that; Sebastian couldn’t deny her everything after what he had done to her the last year.

“I probably shouldn’t mention him, but – Joseph and I talked about this. Will you bring Michael with you for a visit?”

“I thought about it,” Myra scratched her chin, “it’s about time, I guess. Lily is a part of my life Michael knows a bit about, but I have kept it mostly away from him.”

“I would like to have Joseph with me at the cemetery. I told him that, if you would bring your man, I could bring him, too.”

“He was part of Lily’s life as her godfather. And now he’s a part of your new life, it makes sense.”

“Joseph just felt weird going there with me and you to the cemetery. He would feel better if Michael would be around.”

Myra pondered for a while. “I think I understand. Alright, I bring Michael with me, I also don’t want him to feel like shit.”

***

Later the evening, Joseph and Sebastian were lying in bed in Sebastian’s apartment, the two men hadn’t talked much about Sebastian’s meeting with Myra during dinner.

Lying with their backs to each other, Joseph finally asked: “You’re in the mood for talking about Myra?”

“Well,” Sebastian cleared his throat, “we talked about my drinking, about our break-up, going to the cemetery, you – it was a very lighthearted conversation, as you can imagine.”

“She’s – pretty angry with us?”

“She was very angry with me when she left me in summer. She calmed down over the months since then, but she still doesn’t understand how I managed to stop drinking, mostly for you.”

Joseph pulled his duvet closer to himself.

Sighing, Sebastian added: “She even thought that we too might have had an affair while I was still married with her. I assured her that I hadn’t been that kind of a husband.”

Slowly, Joseph began to chuckle.

“What’s so funny, Jo?”

“It’s just – I probably wouldn’t have agreed to that either. And the thought of having a secret affair with you seems so ridiculous to me - “ He put his hand in front of his mouth to avoid his laughter to burst of.

“Why?” Sebastian’s voice sounded kind of disappointed.

“Because I’ve never been with anyone, and then an affair with you?!”

“You’re – _laughing_ at yourself?”

“It’s a change from _pitying_ myself - “

Sebastian cringed; it made him uneasy that Joseph thought like this about himself.

“Do you think about – us as a joke?” he asked in the end.

“No, no, that’s not what I mean,” Joseph hurried to say, “I’m just not used to this – you know why.”

Probably one of the reasons why a relationship had never worked out for him -

“We should go to sleep,” Sebastian concluded.

Joseph turned around, noticing that something was off. He leaned into Sebastian’s back, putting his palm on the other man’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, this is more about you, not about me. Is there – anything I can do for you?”

At first, Sebastian didn’t react; but then he slowly turned around, too, grumbling something, and laid his head close to Joseph’s chest, wrapping his arms around the younger man’s hip.

Quite surprised, Joseph didn’t know for a second what to do, holding his hands away from him and Sebastian. After another second or two, he patted Sebastian’s head with one hand, and held Sebastian with the other.

“There, there,” Joseph mumbled insecurely, feeling incredibly stupid after saying it, but he gave Sebastian a kiss on the head nevertheless.


	23. Door 23

The next weekend, Sebastian and Joseph decided to stay at Joseph’s apartment; the younger detective wanted to clean up his place.

While Joseph looked after his kitchen, Sebastian had been asked to vacuum the bedroom. He reached under the bed with the cleaner, but it got blocked by something.

Sebastian wanted to clean up the whole space under the bed, so he switched off the vacuum and knelt down with a groan. He peeked under the bed and spotted two cardboard boxes; he grabbed both of them, pulled them into the light and got curious on what might be inside -

The first box had an old photo album, some old books, a sports shirt as well as a plush toy, a small teddy bear. All these things had some dust on them, but Sebastian took up the album to take a look into it.

As expected, photographs of Joseph’s childhood began the album. Joseph as baby, Joseph on his first day at school, Joseph in the sport shirt that was in the box – two Asian looking people were also on some of these pictures, so Sebastian assumed that these had to be Joseph’s parents.

Chuckling, Sebastian was surprised to see Joseph in basketball attire on a team photo. Why hadn’t Joseph ever told him anything about this - ?!

Sebastian proceeded to the other box, and had to blink a few times upon opening it. There were some erotic books, as well as some ‘toys’ -

Not really sure what to think of this, Sebastian picked up one of the books. The cover showed – well, a male nude.

A bit intrigued, Sebastian started to browse through the pages, only to see more naked men. The pictures weren’t hardcore porn, though, but rather tasteful erotica, which kind of suited Joseph.

The sex toys, on the other hand, were simple but odd nevertheless; a black dildo and something into which – one could put his dick in. Sebastian knew what it was, but didn’t have a name for it; he never expected that Joseph would use this sort of stuff.

But then, it was also not so surprising -

There was a layer of dust on these items, just like with the other box, so it seemed that Joseph hadn’t touched them in a long time -

Shaking himself out of his reveries, he put the boxes to the side to continue his cleaning.

While doing so, he would glance every now and then at that one box, an idea shaping in his mind -

***

In the evening, the two men settled in front of the TV. Joseph had become really tired from the household chores, while Sebastian would smirk a little at him in a secretive way -

“What is going on with you?” Joseph asked. “You’re really weird since the afternoon.”

Sebastian was leaning with his elbow on the couch’s arm rest, his jaw resting in his palm; with his other arm, he pulled Joseph closer to himself. He still had some mischievous glint in his eyes. “I’m not sure if I should tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“When I cleaned your bedroom, I found two cardboard boxes under your bed - “

“Boxes - ?”

“They had some personal stuff of yours in them.”

Joseph needed some moments. “Oh,” he turned his face away, folding his arms, “ _oh -_ “

“I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it,” Sebastian stroked Joseph’s shoulder.

“I – I haven’t used that stuff in years, I swear,” Joseph pleaded, facing Sebastian again. “I felt so stupid about it, so I stopped.”

Sebastian smiled gently at him. “Why haven’t you thrown it away then?”

“I was too embarrassed somebody would find it in the trash - “ Joseph finally began to tremble.

For some moments, Sebastian kept on stroking Joseph’s shoulder, hoping to calm down or console the other man.

“Come on,” he then said, “it’s quite normal for someone in your situation to use these things.”

“I still feel stupid about it,” Joseph hid his face with one hand.

Sighing, Sebastian rolled his eyes. “I didn’t want to upset you again.”

Joseph turned to him again, irritation in his face. “Then why did you mention it?!”

Sebastian avoided Joseph’s eyes; was he blushing even? “I thought – maybe – we could use these toys sometime in bed,” he glanced at Joseph, “in the future - ?”

By avoiding looking at Joseph, he couldn’t see how the younger man’s expression turned into something between bewilderment, amusement and shyness -

Just like a few days ago, when Sebastian seduced him in the kitchen...


	24. Door 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, the last door for this advent calendar! I hope you had some fun with it, and merry Christmas!
> 
> And thanks to KrimsonMistress for the inspiration and for all the comments :) !

January passed, and it was about time for Joseph and Sebastian to finally disclose their relationship.

“I will go to the insurance department,” Joseph had announced a few days before they would talk to their captain during some coffee in the departments kitchen.

“Insurance fraud, huh? White collar crimes – kind of fits your clothing style.” Sebastian grinned, taking a sip of his coffee while leaning against the kitchen counter.

“Very funny,” the younger detective turned away from him, “you know that I’m doing this for us. The work hours a more regular most of the times, too.”

Sebastian shyly scratched the back of his head. “Of course I know. And it’s not that I haven’t thought about it myself – I also want to leave homicide.”

Joseph adjusted his glasses, looking at Sebastian again. “Really? Why? Just one of us has to go.”

“Why not? I gave enough for this department – maybe too much.”

Nodding, Joseph understood the hint.

“I don’t know what I really want to do,” Sebastian watched his coffee swirling in the mug, “but I also want more regular working hours. I don’t want to make the same mistakes with Myra and Lily.”

That moment, Joseph would have liked to go over to Sebastian and hug him – how weird that he would do such a thing, a month ago this was unthinkable to him!

He also suddenly remembered how cliché they were: Sebastian, the tall bulky guy, and him, the smaller, leaner guy -

But Joseph forgot about this cliché rather quickly. He went to Sebastian anyway, placing his gloved hand on top of Sebastian’s that he used to lean on the counter.

“Thank you, I guess,” he mumbled.

“Don’t mention it,” Sebastian smiled a little at him. “One more reason Myra will hate me.”

***

It was fortunately a sunny day when they went to visit Lily’s grave.

Sebastian was wired since the morning, and Joseph was a little bit nervous about it, too; yes, he was glad that they could go to the cemetery together, but he was also anxious about seeing Myra again -

They had decided to meet in the afternoon; Sebastian was driving them, his knuckles white on the steering wheel, as Joseph worriedly observed.

Parking close to the cemetery’s entrance, Sebastian at first hesitated to get out, keeping his hands on the steering wheel.

Joseph reached out to him, placing his hand on the other man’s upper arm. “Come on, we have to do this.”

Sebastian gulped, glancing at Joseph; he nodded insecurely and then took a deep breath to open the car’s door.

He and Joseph got out of the car, but Sebastian didn’t move. Joseph was almost amazed at how much Sebastian would drag this on, though understandably so.

The last time Sebastian had been like this was when Lily had died, and some time after that. Yes, he had cried terribly during the funeral, with Joseph trying clumsily to console him and Myra, not allowing himself to mourn much over the little girl -

But Sebastian had functioned like an automaton back then, just like now. Shortly after the funeral, he began to drink, as did the spiral down…

Myra had texted them that she and Mike would wait at Lily’s grave. “To be honest, I can’t really remember where the spot of Lily’s grave is,” Sebastian said hesitantly.

Joseph walked over to Sebastian, closed the car’s door for him and linked their arms together. “I’ll show you, then.”

“Uh-hm...”

They were finally moving. Joseph led them through the iron entrance gate to a part of the cemetery further in the back.

As soon as Joseph spotted Myra, he let go of Sebastian; the woman had probably enough on her mind, she didn’t have to see how her friend had basically - ‘stolen’ her husband from her -

“You can keep your arms linked, Jo,” Myra greeted the two men when they came closer to her and her new partner.

Joseph rolled his eyes; so much for wanting to be discreet. “I’m really sorry, Myra,” he sighed, “basically about everything.”

Myra smiled wearily, placing her hand on one of his upper arms, patting it a little. “Don’t worry about it, no one here could have anticipated something like this.”

She then went on to Sebastian. “Seb, I’m glad you made it!”

“Yeah,” was Sebastian’s dry reply. He glanced over to Mike, and nodded at him, unsure of what to think of him; Mike nodded back at him in acknowledgment.

“What are we going to do now?” Joseph asked.

The woman returned to her new partner who slung his arm around his shoulder. “Won’t you come closer to the grave, Seb?”

Sebastian was, indeed, standing a bit off from the other and Lily’s tombstone. “No – no, I’m fine here.”

Just entering the cemetery had been enough – thank goodness Joseph had been holding him. Seeing the tombstone with the name of his little daughter was a whole other thing; what was he supposed to do here anyway? His little girl was dead, no visit to her grave would change that -

He glanced over to Joseph who was standing rather close to the grave; Sebastian noticed how the other man’s shoulders were trembling slightly.

Joseph sniffed a bit, and actually wiped one of his eyes -

“Jo?” Sebastian took a few steps towards the younger detective. “You okay?” He grabbed one of his shoulders.

”I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me - !” Tears were running silently down Joseph’s cheeks.

“It’s true, you have hardly mourned or cried properly over Lily,” Myra remarked, giving him a hint of a tired smile.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry - !” Joseph couldn’t stop the tears anymore.

Sebastian wrapped his arm around Joseph’s shaking shoulders. “No, no, she’s right, it’s your turn now...”

The four of them stood there, letting Joseph have his moment -

***

It was February, and Joseph and Sebastian had disclosed their relationship to their captain; the older man even managed to go to an appointment with the department’s shrink about his drinking -

While Joseph prepared for his transfer, they had decided that Sebastian would move to Joseph’s place; the older man felt unwell in his apartment since they had spent so much time since December here. He sold, threw or gave away most of the stuff from his old place.

The only thing they had to change was the bed; Sebastian wasn’t very comfortable on the smaller size bed, and so they had to buy a new one.

“I remember the pictures from your old photo album, you know, from the box under your bed,” he mentioned one evening to Joseph, “you never told me you were in a basketball team! Didn’t know basketball was so popular in Canada - “

“It wasn’t exactly popular, since we only had enough members to even run it,” Joseph sat down on his couch, next to Sebastian, “I tried out ice hockey, but I wasn’t really good at it, so...”

“You can put the album on the shelf here in the living room,” Sebastian added, putting his arm around Joseph’s shoulder.

“Why? There are too many bad memories - “

Sebastian watched Joseph for a second; the younger man grabbed the TV remote, leaning into other man.

“Don’t you wanna talk to your parents?” he suddenly asked. “You said you wanted to present a proper partner to your parents, hoping they would accept you then.”

Joseph tensed a little for a moment. “What should I do then, in your opinion?”

“I don’t know,” Sebastian scratched his head, “call them? Do you still have their number?”

For a while, Joseph didn’t know how to react. Then, he took his cell phone out. “I still have their landline number here -”

Shrugging his shoulders, Sebastian held Joseph a little bit closer. “Then call them, I guess.”

Not really prepared for this, Joseph went almost limp. Yes, he had thought about calling his parents, but not so soon -

He stared for a long time at his phone.

“Listen, I didn’t mean you have to call them today -” Sebastian hurried to say.

“No, you’re right,” Joseph replied, dialing his parents’ number, “I can try -”

He held the phone to his ear, waiting for the ringing; maybe his parents had moved, or they changed their number - ?

It was ringing, and finally, after what felt like an eternity, a click, followed by a female voice. “Hello, Oda residence here?”

Joseph swallowed hard; this was his mother’s voice -

“Is somebody there? Hello?”

Gulping again, Joseph answered: “Mom? It’s me, Joseph.”

Silence on the other side, though Joseph thought he had heard an inhale.

It didn’t seem as if his mother would answer, but then - “Joseph! I didn’t thought -”

“How are you?” Joseph asked to keep the silence away.

“I – I’m fine, I guess -”

They didn’t talk for almost a minute.

“How are you, son?” Joseph’s mother inquired.

Joseph had to gulp again. “I’m a police detective in Krimson City -”

“Ah, yes, you always wanted to be a police officer -” his mother replied, gentleness in her voice.

“Mom, there’s something I want to tell you -”

“No, wait, I want to tell you something,” his mother interrupted, “I really missed you all these years.”

“Mom -”

“Your father misses you, too, although he doesn’t show it much,” Joseph’s mother seemed to choke on tears, “we wanted to talk to you, but we didn’t know how to contact you -”

Joseph’s mouth became a thin line.

“Listen,” his mother continued, “it was a mistake that we chased you away like this.”

“Mom,” Joseph finally managed to say, “I met someone nice.”

He glanced at Sebastian who rolled his eyes.

“And I was wondering – maybe we could come over to you and introduce him to you and dad - ?”

Silence again for a moment. “Whenever you like,” Joseph’s mother said. “I would probably have to prepare your father a bit, though - “

A hint of a smile played around Joseph’s mouth, tears glistening in his eyes; he gave her his number and ended the call, planning to call each other in the next few days.

Joseph leaned again into Sebastian, tense from the call; the older man holding him a little bit closer.

“See, everything’s gonna be alright,” Sebastian said, kissing Joseph on the head.


End file.
